The past week has been confusing and emotionally draining. I am back to the phase when I feel being emotionally set aside. It is a tough situation to be in. I feel more insecure. I'd like to understand him as much as I could but I just cannot help but see the pattern - he talks to me when he needs me and forgets I exist when he does not. It feels even more pathetic that I sometimes feel like I'm begging for attention all the time. I only ask for one thing: honesty. I'd like him to honestly tell me if it's over and not treat me this way.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Anxious
I'm getting used to this distance.
To not knowing what is bound,
neither seeing; hardly speaking.
I'm getting used to think in singular.
Not minding what ifs or should be's,
Neither feeling nor thinking.
Just letting me be me - without you.
I fear that I'm getting used to not having
You around. Learning that I'm happy
With my solitude, in loved despite my lonesome.
Alone but not at all isolated.
I fear to face the day when I wake up
No longer thinking about you.
I fear the day when I longer see the difference
between having you and not having you at all.
But I fear most is knowing that
That day is fast approaching.
And without uttering a single word,
All of these will end - just like that.
To not knowing what is bound,
neither seeing; hardly speaking.
I'm getting used to think in singular.
Not minding what ifs or should be's,
Neither feeling nor thinking.
Just letting me be me - without you.
I fear that I'm getting used to not having
You around. Learning that I'm happy
With my solitude, in loved despite my lonesome.
Alone but not at all isolated.
I fear to face the day when I wake up
No longer thinking about you.
I fear the day when I longer see the difference
between having you and not having you at all.
But I fear most is knowing that
That day is fast approaching.
And without uttering a single word,
All of these will end - just like that.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
26th Birthday
This is my best birthday in my 26 years of celebrating birthdays and I would like to document it when all memories still vividly flood me.
January 8th around 12:00 nn Lene and I bought the the ingredients that I will use to make carbonara. I've let the team know that I am preparing one for them. I got home at around 2:00 PM and I already started to prepare the ingredients. I finished cooking everything at around 6:00 PM. I took a much needed sleep and my Mom woke me up at around 9:30 PM. I rushed through my rituals and brought the food I've prepared for them.
I know I am supposed to be tired but felt like a feather. With a very light mood I hailed a cab to work. As I am nearing the office, I sent an SMS to one of my agents to help me with the things I am carrying. As we wait for the elevator, we saw Mar and requested him to bring the food to the pantry so that we could buy soft drinks. As we are heading back, I told him that I somehow felt jealous of my brother because of all 3 of us he is the only one who actually had a birthday party - cake, balloons, and all - when we were still kids. I do not know why I said that but I did. As we are approaching our bay, I felt elated - there are balloons on our stations. It was a pleasant surprise. I told them that it was the fist birthday I had that I had balloons.
At the strike of midnight, my agents and I headed to the pantry. I wanted to cry when I saw the cake. Finally, I had my party on my 26th birthday! We sang the birthday song, and ate our fill.
My reps went back to their stations and I asked my manager and my colleagues to share with the food prepared. We were in the middle of eating and telling stories when one by one my agents came to the pantry each with a stem of rose for me. It was absolutely euphoric!
I thought that was it but I was proven wrong. They've really thought out this day. They asked me to pop each of the balloon because there are individual messages inside the balloons. I was touched. The messages that the agents had were all heart-felt and I appreciated each of them. I wanted to cry but I was so happy that I just cannot shed a single tear.
I felt so loved today. I felt appreciated in ways I cannot even imagine. I felt that I somehow did something right along the way. I told them that we stopped being office mates, I stopped being their boss and them my agents because that moment affirmed what already existed a long way back - they've been my friends. Each one of them are special to me, treasured children whom I love dearly.
I will end my blog here for now as I am cherishing my moment - the happiest birthday I had in 26 years.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Attention Seeker
Ha, and who says they do not need an iota of attention? Hypocrites!
We all long for some sort of recognition no matter how invisible we are - intentional or accidental. It affirms our worth and somehow lessens our alienation.
Today, my presence has been affirmed - sadly not by the person whom I wanted to recognize it but affirmed nonetheless. It made me smile. It also made me feel like a 16 year old experiencing puppy love. That somewhat euphoric feeling is nostalgic.
And I wonder: had he been the person whom I think about each time I wake up, will things be different or will they still be the same rut that I am in? Again, I am loving the novelty - the rekindling of that frozen side of me, the reminder of that almost forgotten fragment of my past that make me smile when they fleetingly enter my memory.
It is sad that I have to look for novelty, that I have to cry to attention when I should be getting all that I need. But apparently I do not have all that I need. I appeared to be surrounded by people and yet when I go to sleep I have that hollow feeling that I have not been loved. It's a pathetic state to be in. I also know that I am looking for the attention of a specific person and this novelty is just a cathexis for that unachievable goal that I have - You.
We all long for some sort of recognition no matter how invisible we are - intentional or accidental. It affirms our worth and somehow lessens our alienation.
Today, my presence has been affirmed - sadly not by the person whom I wanted to recognize it but affirmed nonetheless. It made me smile. It also made me feel like a 16 year old experiencing puppy love. That somewhat euphoric feeling is nostalgic.
And I wonder: had he been the person whom I think about each time I wake up, will things be different or will they still be the same rut that I am in? Again, I am loving the novelty - the rekindling of that frozen side of me, the reminder of that almost forgotten fragment of my past that make me smile when they fleetingly enter my memory.
It is sad that I have to look for novelty, that I have to cry to attention when I should be getting all that I need. But apparently I do not have all that I need. I appeared to be surrounded by people and yet when I go to sleep I have that hollow feeling that I have not been loved. It's a pathetic state to be in. I also know that I am looking for the attention of a specific person and this novelty is just a cathexis for that unachievable goal that I have - You.
New Year 2010
Being on duty for December 31st shift is like a death sentence. It would mean that you will have to spend your New Year at work while the rest of the world is busy with the celebration.
I remember welcoming 2008 with a very heavy heart. My shift then was at 3:00 AM of January 1st. Since my office then was outside the city, it would be difficult to take a ride going to work. I left the house early. I think I was at the office at around 10:00 PM of December 31st. I sat in my lonesome on our bay at the strike of New Year. I wanted to cry then. I never felt so alone and sad in my life.
When I learned that the experience might happen again for 2010, I braced myself for the worst. But I am so glad that the worst did not happen. It was actually more fun than I imagined. Since my team is a non-voice team, my reps and I were able to watch the fireworks at the strike of midnight and share a meal together.
Though part of me still wishes that I am spending the transition with my family, this is better that staring blankly at a computer screen and pretending to be doing something.
Happy 2010!
I remember welcoming 2008 with a very heavy heart. My shift then was at 3:00 AM of January 1st. Since my office then was outside the city, it would be difficult to take a ride going to work. I left the house early. I think I was at the office at around 10:00 PM of December 31st. I sat in my lonesome on our bay at the strike of New Year. I wanted to cry then. I never felt so alone and sad in my life.
When I learned that the experience might happen again for 2010, I braced myself for the worst. But I am so glad that the worst did not happen. It was actually more fun than I imagined. Since my team is a non-voice team, my reps and I were able to watch the fireworks at the strike of midnight and share a meal together.
Though part of me still wishes that I am spending the transition with my family, this is better that staring blankly at a computer screen and pretending to be doing something.
Happy 2010!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Power Play
All human relationships are governed by power, says my college professor. We select friends based on power - whether we like to admit it or not. We either want to govern or be governed; to be the slave or the master.
And yes, I admit that there are instances when power gets the better of me and I flaunt it proudly as a male peacock is to his feathers. Needless to say that there are those who get offended. There are those who'd feel that I'm "power tripping" or am unfair.
Again, my endless question on fairness and justice: when do we say that things are just and fair? Is it when the odds favor us? Do we duly recognize justice when it's painful and bitter? Or that is the time that we cry injustice?
The past few days I guess were one of those days when pride and ego gets the better of me and I insist that everyone recognize it. That happened today. Twisted as I may seem, the past days, I felt that one of my reps is somewhat asking me to do things the way he'd like them done. I am open to suggestions, criticism and comments but I guess my doors are closed to orders. I had to make him feel where I stand and where he does and I I must admit that I showed it in a harsh way.
I feel like a megalomaniac feeling threat lurking on his doorsteps. It's downright pathetic but I succumbed to it.
All relations are governed by power. Now my challenge is to find the position to be in: am I the slave or the master?
And yes, I admit that there are instances when power gets the better of me and I flaunt it proudly as a male peacock is to his feathers. Needless to say that there are those who get offended. There are those who'd feel that I'm "power tripping" or am unfair.
Again, my endless question on fairness and justice: when do we say that things are just and fair? Is it when the odds favor us? Do we duly recognize justice when it's painful and bitter? Or that is the time that we cry injustice?
The past few days I guess were one of those days when pride and ego gets the better of me and I insist that everyone recognize it. That happened today. Twisted as I may seem, the past days, I felt that one of my reps is somewhat asking me to do things the way he'd like them done. I am open to suggestions, criticism and comments but I guess my doors are closed to orders. I had to make him feel where I stand and where he does and I I must admit that I showed it in a harsh way.
I feel like a megalomaniac feeling threat lurking on his doorsteps. It's downright pathetic but I succumbed to it.
All relations are governed by power. Now my challenge is to find the position to be in: am I the slave or the master?
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Routines
Routines build our foundation, or they at least create a rhythm that make us fee secured or assured.
For the longest time I thought that my routines are self-serving. I never thought that another person might get the same sense of security or stability out of the routines I have. It surprises me when somebody asks why didn't I do this or that. And when I ask them why, they'd just say that they just got used to me doing those.
And it makes me think that part of us loves routines no matter how much we deny it.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Lessons
I am quarter century old and I may say that the years have molded me to the complex person that I am. Young as I am, I know that I have accomplished things that could make any parent proud. I have also found myself in a dozen situations that I taught me life in a brutal way. I have stories that I am sure would keep my future children and grandchildren fascinated. I have in one form or another achieved the things I once thought impossible.
I am not sharing my list of (mis-) adventures on this blog but some of the lessons I've learned in my 25 year long journey. Lessons that taught me to walk with my head high but still keeping my feet on the ground and my neck between my shoulders.
1. Be true to your self. Your measure of happiness should not be about what other people say are good or right for you but what you know would make you feel happy. If at the end of the day, when the rest of the world is no longer looking at you, and you face yourself in the mirror, you should be able to tell your self that yes, you are happy for the choices you made.
2. Be accountable for your actions and your decisions. Stand by them whether the consequences are favorable to you or not.
3. Say thank you more often; be sincere when you show appreciation. People likes to feel that they are appreciated for what they've done no matter how little it is.
4. Choose your friends and take care of them. Not everyone who tells you they are your friend are really your friends. Friends are people who respects your individuality, accepts you for your choices, and loves you for who and what you are - devoid of your material possessions and social status.
5. Laugh. Life is too wonderful not to be enjoyed. The people who thinks that life is a race are in for disappointment when they reach the finish line. They'd soon realize that they've rushed life too much that they forgot to appreciate the world, the people around them, and themselves. The end of that race is the end of their life as well. Savor each step.
6. Have faith. Believe that there is a God and that not all things can be calculated or measured. Believe in a God who is not bounded by religious doctrines or sectarian belief. Find God in your own terms and not because He was introduced to you in a certain way. Share your spiritual experience with others not intent in converting them but in making them understand and appreciate how wonderful God is.
7. Ask questions. Seek knowledge. Be thirsty for learning. Do not let your day end without you learning a new thing. When we stop learning the world becomes less interesting and life less worthwhile. Share what you've learned so that another person would find out that life is more interesting than what they thought it was.
8. Think before you speak. The tongue is such a powerful part of the body. It can build relationships. It could burn friendships. It could destroy life. Communication is irreversible. When you say something you can no longer take it back no matter how much you apologize afterwards.
9. Love fully. Love hurts but it hurts even more when you know that you have not given it all. What ifs and could have beens are the hardest enemies to fight.
10. Know your place in the world. Be proud of what you have accomplished but do not compare yourself to others. It might make you feel too proud to the point of making others feel less of themselves or it might make you feel that what you have done is so futile that it makes you feel less than them. Just know where you stand and feel a sense of accomplishment enough to make you feel confident to take on another challenge.
11. Respect people not for their social status, achievement, sexual preference, title or ideological standpoint. Respect them simply because they are people and like yourself, you'd like to be respected. A note on respect, cliche as it may seem, it is something earned and not solicited nor demanded.
12. Sex is not something you engage in to gain leverage or favor much more monetary reward. Think of it as sharing your self to another person. Choose whom to give a part of you.
13. When you complain, be sure you are ready to present an alternative option to what you are complaining about. If you complain that a system, a process or a behavior does not work, you should be ready to present a way to make it better. Otherwise, it all be noise or useless whining.
14. Plan for the future. Though it is something that is unfathomable a plan makes it a little easier to traverse. It gives you a sense of direction and a sense of fulfillment when you've reach it. Save for the rainy days more specially financially. If you are enjoying financial freedom currently, save as much as you can should some crisis strike, you'd have some cushion to fall on.
15. Find joy in simple things. Be happy that you have roof over head, people who appreciates you, food on your table, clothes on your back. If you can share what you have in excess.
16. Believe in the power that a single person has. Be a catalyst.
17. Do not be afraid to be different. Not because a great majority of your people are engaging in an action, or choosing a certain option that you have to be like them. You should stand by what you believe is right. You always have an option. Remember, not choosing is still a choice.
18. Listen. This is a skill least developed in most of us. We always talk and hardly ever listen. Listen to what the other person is saying and not saying. You would be able to understand things better. Also, listening is the simplest way of showing respect and appreciation. Each person is eager to tell his story; most are just waiting to an ear that is willing to listen.
19. Nobody could make you feel inferior without your consent.
20. Celebrate your sauces and your shortcomings. Reward yourself for your achievements. Celebrate the lessons that you learn for your shortcomings. View failure as an opportunity for improvement. Always find the positive amidst the negative and live that lesson.
21. Believe that good things still happen. Never lose hope. Hope is a good thing. It makes you the sun despite the heavy rain. Keep an optimistic heart but a realistic head. Be realistic when assessing the situation but always be hopeful that things would always turn out for the better.
I am not sharing my list of (mis-) adventures on this blog but some of the lessons I've learned in my 25 year long journey. Lessons that taught me to walk with my head high but still keeping my feet on the ground and my neck between my shoulders.
1. Be true to your self. Your measure of happiness should not be about what other people say are good or right for you but what you know would make you feel happy. If at the end of the day, when the rest of the world is no longer looking at you, and you face yourself in the mirror, you should be able to tell your self that yes, you are happy for the choices you made.
2. Be accountable for your actions and your decisions. Stand by them whether the consequences are favorable to you or not.
3. Say thank you more often; be sincere when you show appreciation. People likes to feel that they are appreciated for what they've done no matter how little it is.
4. Choose your friends and take care of them. Not everyone who tells you they are your friend are really your friends. Friends are people who respects your individuality, accepts you for your choices, and loves you for who and what you are - devoid of your material possessions and social status.
5. Laugh. Life is too wonderful not to be enjoyed. The people who thinks that life is a race are in for disappointment when they reach the finish line. They'd soon realize that they've rushed life too much that they forgot to appreciate the world, the people around them, and themselves. The end of that race is the end of their life as well. Savor each step.
6. Have faith. Believe that there is a God and that not all things can be calculated or measured. Believe in a God who is not bounded by religious doctrines or sectarian belief. Find God in your own terms and not because He was introduced to you in a certain way. Share your spiritual experience with others not intent in converting them but in making them understand and appreciate how wonderful God is.
7. Ask questions. Seek knowledge. Be thirsty for learning. Do not let your day end without you learning a new thing. When we stop learning the world becomes less interesting and life less worthwhile. Share what you've learned so that another person would find out that life is more interesting than what they thought it was.
8. Think before you speak. The tongue is such a powerful part of the body. It can build relationships. It could burn friendships. It could destroy life. Communication is irreversible. When you say something you can no longer take it back no matter how much you apologize afterwards.
9. Love fully. Love hurts but it hurts even more when you know that you have not given it all. What ifs and could have beens are the hardest enemies to fight.
10. Know your place in the world. Be proud of what you have accomplished but do not compare yourself to others. It might make you feel too proud to the point of making others feel less of themselves or it might make you feel that what you have done is so futile that it makes you feel less than them. Just know where you stand and feel a sense of accomplishment enough to make you feel confident to take on another challenge.
11. Respect people not for their social status, achievement, sexual preference, title or ideological standpoint. Respect them simply because they are people and like yourself, you'd like to be respected. A note on respect, cliche as it may seem, it is something earned and not solicited nor demanded.
12. Sex is not something you engage in to gain leverage or favor much more monetary reward. Think of it as sharing your self to another person. Choose whom to give a part of you.
13. When you complain, be sure you are ready to present an alternative option to what you are complaining about. If you complain that a system, a process or a behavior does not work, you should be ready to present a way to make it better. Otherwise, it all be noise or useless whining.
14. Plan for the future. Though it is something that is unfathomable a plan makes it a little easier to traverse. It gives you a sense of direction and a sense of fulfillment when you've reach it. Save for the rainy days more specially financially. If you are enjoying financial freedom currently, save as much as you can should some crisis strike, you'd have some cushion to fall on.
15. Find joy in simple things. Be happy that you have roof over head, people who appreciates you, food on your table, clothes on your back. If you can share what you have in excess.
16. Believe in the power that a single person has. Be a catalyst.
17. Do not be afraid to be different. Not because a great majority of your people are engaging in an action, or choosing a certain option that you have to be like them. You should stand by what you believe is right. You always have an option. Remember, not choosing is still a choice.
18. Listen. This is a skill least developed in most of us. We always talk and hardly ever listen. Listen to what the other person is saying and not saying. You would be able to understand things better. Also, listening is the simplest way of showing respect and appreciation. Each person is eager to tell his story; most are just waiting to an ear that is willing to listen.
19. Nobody could make you feel inferior without your consent.
20. Celebrate your sauces and your shortcomings. Reward yourself for your achievements. Celebrate the lessons that you learn for your shortcomings. View failure as an opportunity for improvement. Always find the positive amidst the negative and live that lesson.
21. Believe that good things still happen. Never lose hope. Hope is a good thing. It makes you the sun despite the heavy rain. Keep an optimistic heart but a realistic head. Be realistic when assessing the situation but always be hopeful that things would always turn out for the better.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
If You Must go
If you must go, then just go.
Don't think about the thousand yesterdays
that you and I have shared.
They'd bear no weight.
Just fly away and flee.
Do not look back.
Because if you are expecting tears
to hold you back; you won't get them.
Take the first step and run away.
Run like you're running for your happiness.
Don't stop and check if some one's trying to catch up
Because there will be no footsteps following yours.
But should you decide to extend your arm
to close the space between us
I'd throw myself to you with no hesitation.
There would be no promises, no empty words
I will not even tell you that this time would be better
all I know is that now I'd have another chance to show you
how this love made me breathe, how it made me complete
and how it constantly reminds me that without you
I would cease to exist.
Don't think about the thousand yesterdays
that you and I have shared.
They'd bear no weight.
Just fly away and flee.
Do not look back.
Because if you are expecting tears
to hold you back; you won't get them.
Take the first step and run away.
Run like you're running for your happiness.
Don't stop and check if some one's trying to catch up
Because there will be no footsteps following yours.
But should you decide to extend your arm
to close the space between us
I'd throw myself to you with no hesitation.
There would be no promises, no empty words
I will not even tell you that this time would be better
all I know is that now I'd have another chance to show you
how this love made me breathe, how it made me complete
and how it constantly reminds me that without you
I would cease to exist.
Friday, March 13, 2009
What Makes You Happy
I had - what I may say - one of the most rewarding conversations I've had with my former supervisor.
I am currently at a point where I feel no satisfaction with my job. I am just doing it for the money it gives every pay day. I find no personal fulfillment, happiness, contentment whatsoever. I know that it is a very pathetic state to be into more specially that my job entails motivating people to perform. The irony of it all!
I was looking for options and trying to find another job hoping that I would be able to bring back the motivation back to my now exhausted motivational level. And again, my eyes are welling because I remember my agents back in Baguio. I remembered how caring and thoughtful they were, and how we have practically spent our days laughing at ourselves or sharing stories about our own lives. To say that we have a harmonious relationship is an understatement. We have formed friendships. And to date they are still the epitome of a team for me.
But then I could drown my self with nostalgia and everything will still stay the same. I am still bound to face the situation I have. And yes, I have tried more than once, in fact I try each day I go to work to find one thing or anything that could make me make to love it like I used to but each day, I go home tired - not from work but because I was there but not for the right reasons.
So there I was one pretty ordinary morning, blankly staring at the monitor and trying to find a job online when I noticed that my former supervisor was online from my instant messenger. We had a small talk and I told her that I do not feel happy with my work anymore and am considering to find another job. She told me: "You are still young. Find what makes you happy." And there I was dumbfounded as if I have just won a million dollars and still cannot believe that I won. Yes, I am still young and I should find what my happiness is, and where my heart lies.
To cut the story, I got out of that company and now am very happy and content with my new one. Yes, there were the usual bumps and turns but I am happy with the people that I work with. I feel open with them and feel that they can accept me for who and what I am and I guess that is one of the most important components that makes working fun.
I am currently at a point where I feel no satisfaction with my job. I am just doing it for the money it gives every pay day. I find no personal fulfillment, happiness, contentment whatsoever. I know that it is a very pathetic state to be into more specially that my job entails motivating people to perform. The irony of it all!
I was looking for options and trying to find another job hoping that I would be able to bring back the motivation back to my now exhausted motivational level. And again, my eyes are welling because I remember my agents back in Baguio. I remembered how caring and thoughtful they were, and how we have practically spent our days laughing at ourselves or sharing stories about our own lives. To say that we have a harmonious relationship is an understatement. We have formed friendships. And to date they are still the epitome of a team for me.
But then I could drown my self with nostalgia and everything will still stay the same. I am still bound to face the situation I have. And yes, I have tried more than once, in fact I try each day I go to work to find one thing or anything that could make me make to love it like I used to but each day, I go home tired - not from work but because I was there but not for the right reasons.
So there I was one pretty ordinary morning, blankly staring at the monitor and trying to find a job online when I noticed that my former supervisor was online from my instant messenger. We had a small talk and I told her that I do not feel happy with my work anymore and am considering to find another job. She told me: "You are still young. Find what makes you happy." And there I was dumbfounded as if I have just won a million dollars and still cannot believe that I won. Yes, I am still young and I should find what my happiness is, and where my heart lies.
To cut the story, I got out of that company and now am very happy and content with my new one. Yes, there were the usual bumps and turns but I am happy with the people that I work with. I feel open with them and feel that they can accept me for who and what I am and I guess that is one of the most important components that makes working fun.
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