On waking Up

I miss the touch of your breath onto my skin. The feel of your palms as they close with mine. I miss the feel of your lips on my forehead as you plan a featherly kiss upon it as we sit beside each other. I miss the sound of your breath as I quietly rest on your chest. I miss the way your fingers run through my curly hair.

Each of these seemed like poetry being carefully crafted, or music meticulously composed.... and I miss those moments when we write our own poems and compose our music. I miss you.

For now, these past few days, I felt like living in an old nightmare. The feeling that you know that the end will soon come and you are just painfully counting the days. Though I still hope that things will not turn as I pessimistically imagined them to be, still I get scared and sad and frustrated all at the same time. Cause I never imagined that we will ever be in this plane - when both our ends no longer intersect - as if you have your own world and I am beginning to build my own.

You seee, I have always imagined that you and I will stay as we used to be - comfortable in each other's absence and serene when we are together. But now, here I am feeling sad and blue and scared to death for I have a feeling that ours is a terminal case and soon we will meet the end. Our plans will not see their fulfillment and the names I have created will never own your face.

I really wish to have my lifetime spent with you. I know that it wont be perfect ad we will argue sometimes... probably even most of the time. But still we will hold each others hands and kiss the back of each other's palm in a silent assurance that things will be all right. I have dreamt of waking each morning of my life staring upon your face as you silently take your baby breaths. I know that there are times that you wont come home because of work that you need to do... but that would be fine because you will call me and tell me not to wait for you.

I know things will not be perfect just as we have wished them to be but still we will cling on to one another and silent reassure each other that everything is under control.

But never in that picture have we included that you will not have a time with me... and would even forget for the briefest of all moment that one is not existing... for our worlds are symbiotically existing.

But then, all of those are but dreams... and dreams they are meant to be - at one point I would have to wake up to my nast, brutish, and short reality.

This is the farthest my psychoanalysis can reach so far

Every transition point elicits anxiety, explains psychology as to why we feel different whenever we move from one phase of our life to another. There is a certain feeling of comfort, of familiarity andof security found on the phase that we are supposed to leave while there is a feeling of uncertainty and of insecurity on the phase that we are supposed to enter.

The challenge of facing an unknown opponent, of threading an unchartered course is overwhelming. There are instances when we would rather get stuck on a particular phase in our life where we thrive in security and comfort. This as the fathers of psychology is called fixation. This explains why there are children who cries their lungs out during their first school experience. For the first time in their life, they will leave the comforting shells of their homes and begin to interact with fellow children that they may have not seen in their entire life - new faces, new voices, new experiences. If the child is not properly motivated, the child will experience insecurity and may feel that school is something that threatens them. But once a child has properly adapted to their new environment, then they will begin to enjoy the experience for they can now handle the issues that they encounter.

They cycle will continue everytime an individual needs to exit and enter phases of their lives. Transition, however, is not as simple as exiting and entering a door. Transition implies change, unfamiliarity and insecurity which may pose as a problem. Some gracefully exit and enter different phases of their lives. Other have difficulty adjusting to the changing environment. Others move on. Some get fixated.

Getting fixated on a phase stunts our development or maturity as dynamic individuals.

Okay, after that recollection of my psych courses, what am i trying to achieve. the point is clear and simple: change is inevitable whether we accept it or not. The water flowing through a river is never the same. If we swim against the waves, we will lose our strength, eventually the waves will conquer us. But if we swim with the waves, there is a bigger and stronger possibility that we will reach the shore safely.

Right now, I am still struggling against the waves... but soon when the stubborness fades, i will then swim parallel with the waves. 5/11/06 2:50 am

Losing my Spirit

Outside the window, all I can see is the towering plateau of the Cordillera boasting its lush green conifers.

Two years ago, I have climbed its height and conqueered all my fears - of heights, of being lost, of darkness. Two years ago, my spirits are soaring. They do not wish to be pacified. They do not want to be controlled.

Now, two years had past, I come to ask my self, where has that spirit gone? Where did that enormous passion go? Has it been lost on the intertwined trails of the mountains? Has it lost direction?

My spirit has been gone. I wish to say that I have been tamed but I know that I am not. I am still as wild as I were before - only my spirit was gone.

As I look at the towering plateau outside my window, I ask myself: was it really I who conquered that height? Or was it a dream that I imagined at the back of my mind?

The conifers are swaying inviting me to once again inhale their intoxicating freshness. I sigh my reply: I'll embrace you all and conquer your heights once I gained my spirit back. The only question left to answer is When?