26th Birthday

This is my best birthday in my 26 years of celebrating birthdays and I would like to document it when all memories still vividly flood me.

January 8th around 12:00 nn Lene and I bought the the ingredients that I will use to make carbonara. I've let the team know that I am preparing one for them. I got home at around 2:00 PM and I already started to prepare the ingredients. I finished cooking everything at around 6:00 PM. I took a much needed sleep and my Mom woke me up at around 9:30 PM. I rushed through my rituals and brought the food I've prepared for them.

I know I am supposed to be tired but felt like a feather. With a very light mood I hailed a cab to work. As I am nearing the office, I sent an SMS to one of my agents to help me with the things I am carrying. As we wait for the elevator, we saw Mar and requested him to bring the food to the pantry so that we could buy soft drinks. As we are heading back, I told him that I somehow felt jealous of my brother because of all 3 of us he is the only one who actually had a birthday party - cake, balloons, and all - when we were still kids. I do not know why I said that but I did. As we are approaching our bay, I felt elated - there are balloons on our stations. It was a pleasant surprise. I told them that it was the fist birthday I had that I had balloons.

At the strike of midnight, my agents and I headed to the pantry. I wanted to cry when I saw the cake. Finally, I had my party on my 26th birthday! We sang the birthday song, and ate our fill.

My reps went back to their stations and I asked my manager and my colleagues to share with the food prepared. We were in the middle of eating and telling stories when one by one my agents came to the pantry each with a stem of rose for me. It was absolutely euphoric!

I thought that was it but I was proven wrong. They've really thought out this day. They asked me to pop each of the balloon because there are individual messages inside the balloons. I was touched. The messages that the agents had were all heart-felt and I appreciated each of them. I wanted to cry but I was so happy that I just cannot shed a single tear.

I felt so loved today. I felt appreciated in ways I cannot even imagine. I felt that I somehow did something right along the way. I told them that we stopped being office mates, I stopped being their boss and them my agents because that moment affirmed what already existed a long way back - they've been my friends. Each one of them are special to me, treasured children whom I love dearly.

I will end my blog here for now as I am cherishing my moment - the happiest birthday I had in 26 years.

Attention Seeker

Ha, and who says they do not need an iota of attention? Hypocrites!

We all long for some sort of recognition no matter how invisible we are - intentional or accidental. It affirms our worth and somehow lessens our alienation.

Today, my presence has been affirmed - sadly not by the person whom I wanted to recognize it but affirmed nonetheless. It made me smile. It also made me feel like a 16 year old experiencing puppy love. That somewhat euphoric feeling is nostalgic.

And I wonder: had he been the person whom I think about each time I wake up, will things be different or will they still be the same rut that I am in? Again, I am loving the novelty - the rekindling of that frozen side of me, the reminder of that almost forgotten fragment of my past that make me smile when they fleetingly enter my memory.

It is sad that I have to look for novelty, that I have to cry to attention when I should be getting all that I need. But apparently I do not have all that I need. I appeared to be surrounded by people and yet when I go to sleep I have that hollow feeling that I have not been loved. It's a pathetic state to be in. I also know that I am looking for the attention of a specific person and this novelty is just a cathexis for that unachievable goal that I have - You.

New Year 2010

Being on duty for December 31st shift is like a death sentence. It would mean that you will have to spend your New Year at work while the rest of the world is busy with the celebration.

I remember welcoming 2008 with a very heavy heart. My shift then was at 3:00 AM of January 1st. Since my office then was outside the city, it would be difficult to take a ride going to work. I left the house early. I think I was at the office at around 10:00 PM of December 31st. I sat in my lonesome on our bay at the strike of New Year. I wanted to cry then. I never felt so alone and sad in my life.

When I learned that the experience might happen again for 2010, I braced myself for the worst. But I am so glad that the worst did not happen. It was actually more fun than I imagined. Since my team is a non-voice team, my reps and I were able to watch the fireworks at the strike of midnight and share a meal together.

Though part of me still wishes that I am spending the transition with my family, this is better that staring blankly at a computer screen and pretending to be doing something.

Happy 2010!