-mr. right choice-

i have made countless mistakes in my past but i am for certain that deciding to be with you is the best choice i've made in my lifetime. times have not always been smooth as i wished it should but you never failed to make it right or tolerable to say the least. trials came and tested us, me more especially. there were moments when i'd like to give in and just throw away everything that we've been through but when i look back on our past, i know that i have nothing to throw away. i remember a professor who once said that if we'd like to know if we should continue holding on to somebody, to something, to an idea, we should look back and decipher our past - if we find something that we know has made us happy and will still make us happy, then it is wise to continue to cling, but when look back and find out that we have nothing in the past that we can hold on to, it just worth giving up.



when i look back, i see us - the trials that we had that made us stronger - ans individuals and as partners, the serene moments that we have when we are together, the undeniable maturity i've come to have both in my outlook in life as well in my disposition in general.

when i imagine life without you i quiver in fear, uncertainty and emptiness. life will simply be different without you. different in a not so good way.

i have made countless mistakes in my lifetime. i am glad that i made the right option of choosing you.

-hormonal imbalance-

suddenly i just felt that you stopped caring. i don't know if this is just some hormonal imbalance that reminds me i am a member of the female sex or this is again a gut feeling that more often than not is true. i do not know what to think but i have a lot of feelings going on.

i cannot even recall when did this first bout of self-pity cum self-realization/exaggeration happened. but this afternoon after painstakingly trying to put myself to sleep, i have done so much thinking and feeling about our current situation. and sadly, i felt that you stopped caring.

missing you

i have been missing you for the longest time now. i miss the old you who sincerely showed me that he cares. the you who remembers, forgives, cuddles, embraces, kisses and who constantly reminds me that he loves me. i miss that person. right now, all i feel is a mechanical interaction, a rehearsed methodology of Hi's, hello's, and how are yous. Gone are the concerned inquiry about how my day went or your day went. Gone are the days when i felt that you were there for me.

actually, it never had any difference when you got a job and when you lost your job - you remained that cold, emotionless person i am exchanging i love yous with hoping that the frequency and intensity of my words would awake the Galatea in you. i was wrong. you remained to be that cold beautiful marble. it gets worse, unfortunately, you feel more distant than ever.

i admit that there has been moments when i was tempted to find the attention i am looking for from other people, from another flame may be. i was wrong again. the more i interact with them the more that i miss the you i have fallen in love with, the you that has been lost in who you are right now.

i miss that sensitive man whose arms i miss tugging. i miss that expressive man who never failed to amaze me every single day.

i am still hoping that you'd come back. i just hope that when you do, i am still the same person here for you. i hope that i do not get immune to this coldness and become a statue myself. i hope that i do not take this current situation as the norm.

-i know-

you stare at me as if you know me
read me, drink me, digest me
but you know and i know that
you know not a single thing about me,
not a single thing about me.

you talk to me as if you know me
comprehend me, follow me, undertstand me
but you do not.

and you know that i know
that you never knew
the me that weeps
each time you forget that i exist.

i know that you never heard me weep
when i am in pain, or troubled, or simply crying
because i know and i know that you know
that you never cared.

i also know but i dont know
if you already know
that i have already come to know
that all of the things that you throw to my direction
are nothing but a hollow show of affection.

i am the most stupid person who ever walked this planet. that is not an understatement but a mere verbalization of truth.

in full awareness of the consequent pain that will follow after this very stupid action, i still decided to act to beget transient pleasure.

let me elaborate on the matter. i met somebody interesting lately. to say that i am attracted to him is understated. i also know that the attraction that he decided to throw to my direction is never pure and is aimed to satisfy an end. i should have controlled what i felt as i often do. but instead of controlling it and submitting myself to the faint voice of my better judgement, i allowed myself to be overpowered by my gluttonous need for attention. i have submitted to what little and transient satisfaction i'll get from the miser attention that you throw upon me which in time will be substituted by unthinkable pain.

i know for a fact that the likes of you will never take me seriously. each one of you never did. and yet despite this knowledge, i am allowing myself to be hurt and to possibly damage the relationship that i have with the only person who has truly loved me.

now, tell me that i am exaggerating when i said that i am the most stupid person who has walked this planet.

"Pleasure can be supported by an illusion; but happiness rests upon truth.” Sébastien-Roch Nicolas De Chamfort

-how to forget?-

tell me how to forget you -
erase your memory off my find,
forget each conversations we've had,
forget that in this very short while
i came to think (or even believe)
that i have fallen in love.

tell me how can i make you
a thing of my past,
a chapter in this novel called life.

tell me how can i shake you
off my system. teach me how to
breathe fresh air, devoid of your
intoxicating and familiar presence.

-lamenting-

i never asked for your attention and to tell you honestly, i never cared for it. i never cared for your approval nor did i mind your acceptance. i am just doing my own thing and running my life the way i usually do. so please do not make sound as if i needed your attention to survive. i dont.

that's what i wanted to say that to one of my big boss. i just hate him. ok allow me to clarify the matter. my team was performing brilliantly and as my senior OM puts it, it's "phenomenal". so, the top 3 big bosses went over to my station to commend me for the team's performance. at that time my team's quality score is at 98.11%. in the most sarcastic tone, he asked me: "so, is that like 3 surveys?". fuck him! i hate bragging but i just felt like shoving our numbers on his face. so i told him, "actually that is for 6 csat all a hundred, and 45 cr!ft surveys at 97.11%". he fell silent.

i just hated that moment.

-just a thought-

this is my ten cents worth of pondering about things that i am not even sure if they deserve to be pondered upon.

i really think that there is an irony in each of us -we long to be with with somebody with whom we can share a part of us with and yet when we feel that we have met that person, we are so scared to be with them because we are scared to take the risk of being hurt. we are scared and it cripple us as a person.we are scared about things that we do not know. and the most insane of all fears, as far as i am concerned is the fear of not meeting other people's expectation. we care too much about what will the rest of the world say when we act on the things that we really like. we care too much about THEIR expectations because a part of us would like to please THEM because by not doing so, we'll be ALIENATED.

but come to think of it, who suffers? if you listen to the rest of the world and follow what they expect you to do, and for some reason you end up being miserable, can you blame them? i don't think so. you have consciously made a decision to follow them. my take is rather hedonistic but i'd like to think it is realistic. personally, my take is that, the world will not be there for me when i am already in misery, in fact it might even blame me for it. i think that nothing matters except the things that would make us happy, that would complete us as a person. they might ask us to take some deviations and act against certain rules. but hey, at the end of the day, you'll be left on your own and you reap the fruits of your decisions.why not harvest the fruits that makes you happy rather than the fruits that would bring you misery?

-i am starting my month with this-

i miss you. in a short while we shall be together. after a long gap of absence, we shall be together again.

it is funny but when you look at it we have been apart more than we have been together and yet i am still not used to your absence. i still long to see you each day. funny but the virtual interactions that we have are too real for me. each message you sent via sms seemed like you talking to me. but i still miss you.

i miss being with you. spending a lazy afternoon cuddling with you. or to just listen to you share to me your life experiences. i love learning and i love to do it with you.

i do not know why there has been times when i feel that i no longer love you or i am beginning to slowly forget you. i do not understand myself why do i have to be distracted.

despite all these, i am just glad that you never failed to be there for me. you never failed to cheer me up when i am down. you never failed to lift me up when my morale is lower than the ground. i love you.

-month end report-

i am ending my month with this:

"Although the power of true love is undeniable, a relationship offer commitment too. What is love without commitment from each other anyway? It's like principles without values. Everyone has them but they only mean as much as we are willing to stand for them. The same goes for our commitments to relationships and to the person we love."
-text message dated 09/30/2007 12:37:10AM-

this month has been a roller coaster ride for me. i was drenched with overwhelming downpour of emotion and circumstances which only made me realize one thing: i am lucky to have a man by my side who looks at me with love and offers a welcoming hug each time i stumble. not everyone is given a chance to be with somebody who allows you to grow and learn from the things you have done. i have learned one thing special this month: he loves me and nothing else matters.

new people will come and they will offer a fresh breathe of air. they may at some point awaken some areas of me that have long been left to slumber. but they are just that a breather - me to them, and them to me. they do not last long because they are not intend to.

my path will always bring me home. and home is an open arm welcoming me back to my Serenity.

I love you, Anthony.

-well now-

the question is: have i been working smarter? hmmn... i would like to be technical and ask, how do we say that i am or i am not working smarter? is it by producing the numbers required of me? or is it something else?

since the time that i have been in this account, my team has consistently generated the numbers so far. and to date, despite the team's performance, i still doubt if the said success can be attributed to me or some of it to my management skill. to date, i am 2 years 4 months on the company, and 1 year 11 months as a coach and yet i am still not confident with my skills as a manager. honestly, i have not passed any of the interviews i've had external (i have thoughts of moving out).

sometimes i feel that it is just a stroke of luck that i was able to produce the numbers that i need to give. but beyond that i do not feel that i have done much. none of the agents that i have handled was able to make it to the next level. i count this as a failure on my end to shape leaders.

yes, i feel so incompetent. i never had the confidence to say that i am good in what i do. i appear good because the people that i handle are good. there is not much value added on my end in this performance. yes, it is true that there are new agents who come to the team who has areas to be improved on and fortunately they have improved but i still do not feel that i have the faintest right to own that improvement.

have i been working smarter?

i'd like to think that i have. i'd like to think that meeting the expecations or even exceeding them is enough. but as a leader, i'd like to feel the ripples that i make in their lives. have they been a channged person because of me? have i made any significant change in their life? will they remember me as that manager who helped them to be where they are now? i'd like to see some life changing moments in them. i'd like to be remembered as somebody who has influenced them positively no matter how minute that influence may be.

am i working smarter?

i'd like to think that i am, but right now i just do't feel it.

-work smarter than harder-

yesterday's meeting's mantra was: WORK SMARTER THAN HARDER.
makes sense. scrape out re-work. devise a process that would address the root cause of the issue. think outside the box.

WARNING: bitching mode

it is easier said than done i guess because the people who are trying to instill this "imagination" to us are the same people who commits the same mistake over and over to address an issue. these are the same people who settles for band-aid solutions than for long-term solutions. it is really easier for somebody who holds the microphone to appear as if they are the most efficient and brilliant people in the world when they present ideas. words. ideas. they used to be so powerful when i was still studying. but now, they have been so abused that they've lost their magic. they're just words. just ideas.

i know that to realize these words, these ideas, i would need to act. i am still a firm believer of the power of a single person. i hate whining and whiners. i hate it when people whine about something they have not acted upon yet. but sometimes when you are flooded with so many things that are too abstract, you just feel like giving up.

work smarter than harder. easier said than done. but hey, knowing and realizing that indeed working smarter than harder really makes the work done.

-hyper-
all the sugar that i ingested is acting up right now. the sudden energy boost is obvious. i came in the office feeling very very drowsy due to lack of sleep. i have been working in a call center for 2 years now and yet i am still not used to sleeping in the morning. i can only sleep for 3 to 4 straight hows in the morning. if i force my self to sleep longer, it will just make me even more drowsy during my shift.

because of this, i have recently discovered coffee. yes, after working for 2 years in this industry, this is the only time that i have drank coffee regularly. before, the second cup of coffee would make me palpitate - even if i drink it one cup a day. now, when i wake up, i drink 2 cups of coffee at home (since i am using decaf), and another cup when i hit the office.

it just keeps me going like a battery to a toy car. but again, such synthetic energy boost lasts only for a while. when the sugar and the caffeine subside, i am back to the drowsy me.

its a good thing that i am able to finish all my tasks ahead of time so i have more time to sit on my station and write a blog about my hyperactivity.i think have finally adapted to this life (i hope). now, let me go back to my coffee :)

-happens-

it happens sometimes
(or probably most of the time)
that we fall in love with someone
at the wrong time.

and when that happens,
all you can do is brace yourself
and drink the moment,
enjoy it... for as long as it's there

because more often than not,
times like those,
pop like fragile bubbles

and when they're gone,
they're gone forever

trust me...
i am now in one of those moments

-tough-

as i have learned, my happiness comes with a very high price. and right now, i am just not sure if i am ready to take that risk.

i know that i am unfair and totally selfish to the point of hedonism. i am still in that limbo where i found myself in a few weeks back. it's tough for me to pull myself out of it like the way i have pulled myself out from similar situations in the past. right now i feel happy - i am in that state where nothing else matters but NOW. i know that i would have to pay a high price any time soon and i do not know if i can endure it. but right now i am drowning myself with this heady state for as long as it last, and if after this, they'd ask for my head, i have no other choice but to oblige, it is after all the path i have chosen to tread.

-greatest failure-

every time you walk an agent out of the door due to attrition, it is always your fault

i did not believe this before but now that i had to terminate somebody due to behavior, I have realized that indeed it is a failure on my end. I failed that agent. i failed to correct his/her behavior. i failed to give him/her direction.

it is tough because each agent creates a bond with me, a special connection. it is as if a tiny piece of you is reflected in them. and yes, when you let them go, that tiny piece has a tendency to be magnified, be it your failure or your success.

i just walked an agent out of the door. no matter how painful, it is part of the job that i accepted with the promotion. and as i silently cry, i blame myself for failing this agent - another agent that i have to walk out the door.

-rants-

i hate this phase. i hate showing emotion and affection. it makes me feel so vulnerable, so weak, so helpless, so powerless and worse it makes me feel as if i am under the control (manipulation) of somebody.

i hate it when i feel so helpless and confused.
i hate it when people make me feel worthless.
i hate it when i feel i am being played around.
i hate it when i look as if i am begging for attention.
i hate it when i miss you - it makes me feel so weak and dependent.
i hate it when i wake up in the morning and i think of you
because that would make me think of you the whole day
and expect that you do the same (which i am sure you don't).

i hate it when i begin to make tiny plans that include you
i hate it when i begin to imagine how life would be like with you
i hate it when all i can think of is you
i hate it because i feel so dependent to you
or at least to the idea of you.

i just hate it when i find myself in this rut -
trying to create the situation for a non-existent love

-hating me-

i am hating myself right now because i still continue fooling myself that i have flushed you out of my systen. i have not. i still miss you and still find myself saying your name. yes i have earsed everything that will remind me of you - but not your memories.

its so hard more especially when i know how quickly have you gotten over me and here i am struggling over to forget you. trying so hard not to think of you. doing my best to divert my attention somewhere else.

i hate it. i hate the fact that i started this as a game but i am the one being played around in the end. i hate it because you had it all figured out and i got entangled to all complications that i have created for myself.

-same rut-

here i am again, starting a stroy that i do not know how to end. but unlike most stories, this story creates its own chain of stories that i have no control of.

i am falling for a guy. seriously falling - it's the same situation i had when i first met my anthony, and all other guys i treasured. but unlike them, i amo not willing to give up my anthony. i love him and i have not changed my decision of spending my life with him.

at this point, nothing can change that decision.

-sad sad day-
unlike before where i find myself falling in love with him more and more each day, lately i am finding myself in the opposite situation. sad that things has to turn this way. i never imagined that it would turn this way ever.

-painful realization strike 2-

too much for hopes for me. today, i finally gave up on on hoping that someday, one of these days, we'll take what we have to the next level. yes, i wanted us to be there so much. i just do not know if you are as intense as i am.

yesterday, you back to the brutally logical you. sometimes i just wish that you wont dwell on facts so much and try to give me some hope to cling on. but yesterday, you just killed that faint fire in me.

right now, i just accepted the fact that this is the farthest that we can go. and probably we are just waiting for the time that one of us will decide to let go.

sad because i have dreamt of spending the rest of my life with you. and now i know that i should also let go of that one beautiful thought... or may i should learn to let go of you.

-this is it-

i came to this conclusion last night, and it is a sad conclusion, the kind of answer that i'd like to forget for now - this is the farthest our relationship could go, there is no longer a next level for us.

i came to this understanding when i finally had the courage to admit to myself that he is evading all topics pertaining to a more serious relationship - like getting married and having our own family. i ahve been waiting for him to take the initiative to meet my family or have me introduced to his but after 5 years, none of this happened and there are no signs of this happening in any near or distant future.

i dont know what's gonna happen from here on. but one thing is sure - no more hopes for me. no more plans about future children or dream house/s. right now i am just letting myself drink the moment until such time that i am already too bloated to drink more.

this is a sad sad conclusion that i have come to realize after trying to understand the silence, the pattern and the unspoken.

-is freedom also relative?-

i have stumbled upon this photo while idly surfing the net and it triggered something in me and made me ask the question: is freedom relative? let me enlighten you by showing the picture in question:

 
Are you looking inside out or outside in?

source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/brotherkeeper/704405703/
 

i just thought, if you look at the picture from the barbedwire to the plant, you might say that the plan is enclosed by the wire and therefore not free. however, if you look at it from the plant to the wire, the plant is outside and therefore free. this is striking for me. why? with such analysis, we can see that there is a certain kind of relativity to freedom. and freedom, as in this example is relative to the observer.

if we try to apply the same analysis to a broader topic, as in nation's liberation, people's rights, community welfare, gender equality, much as i hate it, dualism is something that cannot be eradicated.

my analysis is cartesian as it may seem, but come to think of it, who defines oppression? is it the oppressor or the oppressed? who defines terrorism? is it the terrorized or the terrorists?

in our current state, as i come to ponder, definitions of oppression and or of freedom usually comes not from the first person rather from the third person. and most often than not, ethnocentric understanding or definition is made. we attempt to free the nation that we think is not free. we attempt to free the  gender that we think is not free.

come to think of it, have we actually asked these nations these sexes or genders if they feel inhibited or oppressed? are inside the barbed wire or are they outside?

and for you the observer, are you look in or out? i just cannot help but see the relativity.

-finding home-

earlier today i stumbled upon a collection of my online rants which i aptly titled online. i ready through it and it gave me a a certain kind of peace the kind of peace that i experience when i feel at home with something.

and its comforting to know that i can find solace in my work. i honestly did not put much faith with my writing until that moment. i always felt that they are second rate or are not good enough. but that moment, i just felt that i have a certain spark because i found comfort in those pieces - the same comfort when i read the works of my favorite writers.

its a good feeling - not in an egotistical way but more of a serene way. it is good to know that i can find home somewhere inside me all i need to do is to tap it, let the real me surface and the whole world rest in the background even for the briefest of moments.

-work freak-

i used to despise my huband *blush* for being a workaholic and even threw a tantrum when he opted to pick up his phone while having a quiet time with me. now, when i look at myself, i think i have also become the work freak that he used to be.

scenario 1:

one morning, i was usually my bouncy self and while preparing breakfast my brother told me i was speaking on my sleep. i asked him what i was saying and he said he did not understand it but i was calling my agents. he said that i was asking them to do something or was following up on something. i just told him i work even on my sleep.

i thought that such scenes happen only when you are starting out with something. i remembered when i was starting our with this job. i also talked on my sleep. i was troubleshooting on my sleep and even asked my brother if he was able to cancel the domain ( i used to work for the billing department of a web hosting account).

scenario 2:

right now, i am here sitting in front of the pc and writing this blog 3 hours and a quarter before my intended shift. i just cannot sleep and decided to go to work. well, since i worked the graveyard shifts again, i begun to sleep in the office's sleeping quarters to save on taxi fare. well, right now due to heavy rains a lot of people are utilizing the said area and as expected it is fully occupied.

after doing my ritual - punching in for the day, approving overtimes and running through my email - identifying which is important and which is junk. there are no scorecards in the mail so i have no idea yet how my team's day eneded yesterday. it also means no analysis yest for me.

i remembered one time, i was too bored i came to the office one rest day to do some monitorings. that was my day off. i did not do it ever again. i have realized that in this center people do not appreciate your extra effort - they abuse it.

so here i am right now, dutifully blogging instead of trying to get busy with actual work. working is fun but in a capitalist setting, that fun is sucked out. it is sadly turned into abuse. and for a workaholic like me it just spells w-o-r-k and not l-i-v-i-ng.

-the cordi that i know-

an amazing view on the way to asin

from the time that i have set foot to the mountainous perimeter of the cordillera i just know that i am going to love it - the environment, the people, the culture - everything about it is very fascinating. the fusion of the people and the environment is just amazing. i have never seen a place that is forward looking and yet very concerned with its indigenous practices and culture.

everytime i hear people speak their native tongue, i just cannot help but be amazed by its tenderness. it is like a serenade sung to a maiden.

the diversity of the place in terms of terrain and flora is also admirable. the people too are very diverse. i guess the diversity of the people makes each one tolerant of cultural idiosyncrasies - accept other culture while nurturing one's own.

cordi has been my second home. and if i were to choose to which uterus will i come from, i wont have a second thought in choosing cordi.

-then and now-

sometimes I just cannot comprehend how fast time flies. if i were to start counting, it has been 10 years since i graduated from elementary, six years from my high school graduation, and a year from my college.

and everytime that i hear what became of my peers i just cannot help but to get amazed, and overwhelmed by the changes that happened in them and in me through time.

i have definitely changed. there is no point denying that - physically, emotionally and in my outlook towards life in general. well, i have always been optimistic as far back as i can remember just as i have always been goal-oriented and ambitious.

if it is possible to view myself then as a third person - as in a movie - i would not even recognize the person that i am watching. there has been too much that changed in me that it is possible that people whom i have not seen for quite a time will find so hard to adjust to.

i have always been outspoken but hardly sarcastic - now i am.
i have always been different but never subversive - now i am.
i have always been free-spirited but never liberal - now i am.
i have always been a child mut never matured - i think now i am.

-despite the distance-

i'm a state of outmost bliss. I have stated in a number of blogs that ours is not a normal relationship. it is just too complex and yet its complexity makes it special.

my mind is swimming in memories

when i hear other rants about their current relationship, i envious, pity, and thankful all at the same time. i feel envious because i dont have the chance to spend as much time with my partner. we have a long distance relationship and the only constant interaction that we have is by phone or the internet. we see each other at least twice in a year. and in each meeting we strive to make it as memorable as the last for the next meeting would be after a long time. we hardly quarrel and argue about anything. sometimes arguement cements a relationship.

i feel pity for them because they just dont feel the sadness i feel for not being able to be with my partner whenever i wanted to. sometimes the constants in our lives are neglected and when they are gone, that's when we see how meaningful they are to us. being able to hold the hand of your partner brings a certain serenity, a kind of peace that makes you feel that all the world's trouble does not exist. i just pity them for not realizing how lucky they are for having their partners around.

i feel thankful because despite the physical distance my partner and i has, we still manage to make each other feel special, loved and appreciated.

-pathetic-

it is dishearting to see that people show attention to failure other than performance.

i had the priviledge of working in a business where human power is definitely THE factor in making the business run. high technology's contribution is only minimal and management are merely overseers of the ranks. most of the work and the progress in this business is because of the hardworking and dedicated rank and file employee who unfortunately in my view are neglected.

coming in this unit, has been frightful due to the many stories that i hear about the organization - the poor management, the taxing work, high attrition, demanding clients - name it its there. being an amteure in a bunch of professionals, all i can do is observe and try to understand the existing culture. this is what i have observed so far:

culture of fear

due to the high demand on meeting the set performance metrices, most managers, i included, look more on the numbers and less on the behavior or the effort that an agent puts to action. it is disheartening to walk somebody out of the door because they have failed to meet the required number that they are supposed to generate. such situation has caused a culture of fear among agents. they come in to work not anticipating the new things that they will learn but they come in to work with fear burning their chests - fear that they might not have work anymore. people are driven to perform because of this fear.

and the management has made this expectation very clear - if you do not perform you are out. this is also the reason why a hundred people lost their jobs in a day - for failure to meet the targeted goal. the message has been clearly set - perform if you want to keep your job.

culture of neglect

after driving poeple to perform to their maximum, finally the unit has been top 5 spot globally. and sadly, there has no recognition made acknowledging the effort of these poor fellows who toil to bring the unit to where it is now. it is very unfortunate that people are being recognized (negatively) for non-performance and people are being ignored for their performance.

yes, this is a pathetic state. and sadly i am part of this pathetic unit.

-Choices-

Every day we strive to make our lives better - for altruistic or selfish reasons. We strive to achieve a certain kind of balance hoping that for what ever choices that we make it shall be for the better. However, life is not always in equilibrium. We hardly or even never strike a balance. Always, there are trade offs. We have to choose between or among options. And when we make our choice, we drop the other options. Options that could be better than what we have chosen or worse.
We often trust our reason for our options or sometimes we let our emotions lead our way when we make our choices. But most of the time we base our decision on what is right or wrong. And always we choose what is right. There is nothing bad about that. However, choices need not always to be good. And bad choices are not necessarily detrimental. Because in the end, what matters most is not about making the right choices but if the choices that we made made us happier and better individuals. Because in the end, when all of the other faces are gone, we only ourselves. Our decisions are not solely for the betterment of other but because we are happy that we made their lives better.
And so far as I look back I am glad for the choices that I have made. They might have made me lose some, but I definitely gained more from them. And yes, I am definitely happy.

-set yourself free-

Let me share with you a very strong and beautiful poem:

Walking Around
It so happens I am sick of being a
man.
And it happens that I walk into tailorshops and moviehouses
dried up, waterproof, like a swan made of felt
steering my way in a water of wombs and ashes.

The smell of barbershops makes me break into hoarsesobs.
The only thing I want is to lie still like stones or wool.
The only thing I want is to see no more stores, no gardens,no more goods,
no spectacles, no elevators.

It so happens that I am sick of my feet and my nails
and my hair and my shadow.
It so happens I am sick of being a man.

Still it would be marvelous
to terrify a law clerk with a cut lily,
or kill a nun with a blow on the ear.It would be great
to go through the streets with a green knife
letting out yells until I died of the cold.

I don't want to go on being a root in the dark,
insecure, stretched out, shivering with sleep,
going on down, into the moist guts of the earth,
taking in and thinking, eating every day.

I don't want so much misery.
I don't want to go on as a root and a tomb,
alone under the ground, a warehouse with corpses,
half frozen, dying of grief.

That's why Monday, when it sees me coming
with my convict face, blazes up like gasoline,
and it howls on its way like a wounded wheel,
and leaves tracks full of warm blood leading toward the
night.

And it pushes me into certain corners, into some moisthouses,
into hospitals where the bones fly out the window,
into shoeshops that smell like vinegar,
and certain streets hideous as cracks in the skin.

There are sulphur-colored birds, and hideous intestines
hanging over the doors of houses that I hate,
and there are false teeth forgotten in a coffeepot,
there are mirrors that ought to have wept from shame
and terror, there are umbrellas everywhere,
and venoms, and umbilicalcords.

I stroll along serenely, with my eyes, my shoes,
my rage, forgetting everything,
I walk by, going through office buildings
and orthopedicshops,and courtyards
with washing hanging from the line:underwear,
towels and shirts from which slowdirty tears are falling.
Translated by
Robert Bly
Pablo Neruda

Most of us, including myself are tied to certain definitions that society attaches to genders, roles, statuses and places. And most often than not, these definitions confine us into "pigeon holes" as my profesor in college once termed. More often than not these definitions and expectations from our society limits our freedom - freedom to express ourselves.
Breaking free would oftentimes entail a negative reaction from the society. Deviance is seen as someting very repulsive in this very punitive world. And it takes tons of courage to go against it - to follow what you think would give you happiness. This is of course can be seen as something which is very utilitarian or even hedonistic. But come to think of it, a lot of people have already suffered because this society restricts everything.
Freedom comes with a high price. I believe it is just a matter of conviction. It is a matter of having the guts to follow what you believe is right. Life is short, why not get the most satisfaction out of it?
Source: http://poemhunter.com/poem/walking-around/

- dilemma-

for most people moving up the ladder is one of the primary goals. it used to be mine. at this point i am just a step away from my goal when i first came here.

i guess most of the time when when what we want is beckoning us, we try to ignore it or pretend that it is just on the bay. in my case, i am just scared of the greater responsibility that moving upwards entails. it happened t o me in the past. i got a position that i am not yet ready for. consequence: my team suffered for my incompetence. it is a pathetic scenario to be into. much as i would like to hone a team of brilliant people, it's just too difficult because i needed as much molding myself. i do not want to be in that situation again. and right now, though my team is performing very well, i still feel that i am still a kitten in this business.

-worst part of my job-

sometimes it takes more than just luck and talent to succeed. one also needs patience.

in my short time as a supervisor, it never missed to piss me off when people just give up on themselves. they stopped pushing themselves to attain the goal that they wanted. they just came to me and told me: "coach, ayaw ko na". i really think that it is the most childish act ever - to just give up.

i am perfectly aware of the different circumstances that we all face outside the workplace. i am also aware that isolating professional life from one's private life is easier said than done. but the rest of the world will not stop moving just because we have decided to.

we all get burnt out and all come to a point of wanting to quit and to stop and just resign from everything. but where is the pleasure in life if we always resign? isn't it satisfying to overcome a hurdle that you initially thought too big to conquer? isn't that rewarding enough?

i am ranting because i feel so disappointed to a person whom i found to have so much potential for growth and development but has just decided to make that potential happen. what pisses me even more is the knowledge that no matter how much i rant on this matter, she has already given up.

-how it started-

i guess most things are born out of necessity. finding this job is more of a necessity than just a mere requirement - an expectation that one has to fulfill because the whole world expects a college educated person to have a job. i needed to have a job because i was to ashamed to let my parents pay for the year that i have to spend in college - a year outside my supposed to be 4-year course.

i entered an industry which for many people in my university found repulsive if not a total waste of time and talent. i entered the booming callcenter industry. at that time, all i know is i am going to a callcenter i have the faintest idea what this industry is all about. all i know is i'll be taking calls, what kind of calls, i do not know. so, there, i blindfoldedly landed on this job.

i started out as a billing representative for a webhosting account. it was easy for me. bragging aside, it was not as difficult as i thought it to be. i spent the happiest 6 months of my life as a billing representative. yup, i got my own share of heaven and hell back then (which can be another blog topic).

after six months of heaven, i entered what i thought to be hell. i was promoted to a level 1 manager. well, it is elating yes. being recognized that you can perform in a better field is a sweet sweet ego food. but life as coach(kots) is just a day of heaven and a lifetime of purgatory-like existence.

i handled a team of 12 agents - all of them new - all of us new! yes, i might be a good agent, but a good kots takes time to hone. and time is something that i did not have at that time. i was forced to learn the things that i should know in a very short time alongside being compared to more tenured managers. i made a number of mistakes as i complete my learning curve. but unlike an agent, whose mistake can be forgiven or can be given time for improvement, i was epected to commit as little as possible. and when the misfortune comes that i commit a mistake, unfortunately i blindly grope for solutions or answers to resolve my predicament. it was tough and i had to learn the very hard way.

i was given 2 weeks to pull up my team's metrics which at that time was at the bottom (imagine CSAT at 50% MTD). i was lost, confused, tired, scared, and angry all at the same time. but during times of adversity, we find help in unexpected places - in my case unexpected people. i met two beautiful people whom i humbly call my mentors - anne and tyn. they thought me the ropes of the business that i should have learned earlier. they thought me how it is to be a kots. it was 2 weeks of hell of wok, but deep inside me, it brought back heaven of my agent days. slowly i have found my bearing. in 2 weeks my team was number 1.

my team. they are the ones who makes me endure my daily battle with my boss biased perception of my performance and my capacity as a manager. they cheer me up. my team has been there through my thousan ups and downs. we have grown together. we grew together as a team. and until now, though we have been dispersed and have taken on separate paths, i still treasure them, thank them for making me who i am.

my life as a kots is happy though tough and tiring. its happy because i get to spend it daily with a bunch of coconuts like me. it doesnt feel a lot like work because my team makes it fun and memorable. i know there are areas that i fall short on and i know that they know that. but i am making each day as a learning experience to make myself a better support for them.

do i regret taking a job abhored by my university? definitely not. because if not for this industry i would not have met teams of brilliant, intelligent, funny, and very special bunch of people.

-June Bride-

Ito ang unang June na di ko inabala ang sarili ko na problemahin kung saan ako kukuha ng pang tuition o ang pasakitin ang ulo ko sa kahahanap ng prof na mag si-sign ng TP form ko o ng Form 5 ko. Ito rin syempre ang unang June na di ako nagpumilit gumising ng maaga para makaabot sa klase.

Nakakatawa pero nakakapanibago to an extent nakakamiss din yung mga June na yun ng buhay ko.

Parang dati sobrang windang ka pag June kasi vacation mode ka pa rin pero wala kang magawa kasi nakikipagtitigan ka nanaman sa mga numbers at sa santambak na readings na nakalatag sa harap mo.

Tuwing June sobrang parang sampung taon mong di nakita yung mga friends mo. Tatambay kayo sa lobby mag kwe-kwentuhan habang sinusunong ang mga baga nyo sa yosi. Tatawa kayo ng napalakas na parang kayo lang ang tao sa buong campus. Kapag napasarap ang upo nyo sa lobby tatamarin na kayong pumasok at ipabibigay nyo na lang ang classcard nyo sa kung sino mang nagsipag-sipagan kasi nga June sabay sibat at punta sa kung saan.

Sa June din pabida ang mga prof... nagpapa impress hoping na mababago ang masamang image nilang nakaukit na sa kokote mo. Magsisimula silang magpaulan ng sangkatutak na readings at problem sets. Susubukan din nilang manggulat sa syllabus nila na mukhang pinaghandaan pero recycled lang naman.

At syempre sa June din bumabaha ng mga freshie na naghahanap kung saan ba yung TBA. Malamang dahil upper class ka na sasabihin mo na yung TBA ay nandun sa pinakamalayong sulok ng University. Ang kawawang freshie naman , pupunta nga sa direction na tinuro mo.

Sa June nakakaasar pumunta ng lib kasi excited pa ang mga tao na magbasa ng libro kaya napakahaba ng pila lalo na sa reserve section. Mahirap ding magpaphotocopy kasi lahat halos ng mga nagpapanggap mag-aral ay nagpapaphotocopy ng mga readings na itatambak nila sa mga boarding house nila.

Pero ang pinakamasarap sa lahat ng June ay ang thought na magsisimula ka nanamang makapulot ng mga bagong aral na magiging sandata mo sa buhay...

-i am scared again-

i am scared again. i am scared for the things i cannot control. i am scared for the consequences of my cowardice. i am scared of so many things i cannot even name.

this place is a factory of fear. sadly, i have allowed my self to be scared and be controlled. and now that i am on the red again, i can surely taste the bitter warning of being executed.

- 41 years -

today is he blew his candles, for the forty first time. forty one candles danced in from of him counting the calendars he has to flip. i wonder if my name was marked in one of those calendars - because his name is in mine.