-mr. right choice-

i have made countless mistakes in my past but i am for certain that deciding to be with you is the best choice i've made in my lifetime. times have not always been smooth as i wished it should but you never failed to make it right or tolerable to say the least. trials came and tested us, me more especially. there were moments when i'd like to give in and just throw away everything that we've been through but when i look back on our past, i know that i have nothing to throw away. i remember a professor who once said that if we'd like to know if we should continue holding on to somebody, to something, to an idea, we should look back and decipher our past - if we find something that we know has made us happy and will still make us happy, then it is wise to continue to cling, but when look back and find out that we have nothing in the past that we can hold on to, it just worth giving up.



when i look back, i see us - the trials that we had that made us stronger - ans individuals and as partners, the serene moments that we have when we are together, the undeniable maturity i've come to have both in my outlook in life as well in my disposition in general.

when i imagine life without you i quiver in fear, uncertainty and emptiness. life will simply be different without you. different in a not so good way.

i have made countless mistakes in my lifetime. i am glad that i made the right option of choosing you.

-hormonal imbalance-

suddenly i just felt that you stopped caring. i don't know if this is just some hormonal imbalance that reminds me i am a member of the female sex or this is again a gut feeling that more often than not is true. i do not know what to think but i have a lot of feelings going on.

i cannot even recall when did this first bout of self-pity cum self-realization/exaggeration happened. but this afternoon after painstakingly trying to put myself to sleep, i have done so much thinking and feeling about our current situation. and sadly, i felt that you stopped caring.

missing you

i have been missing you for the longest time now. i miss the old you who sincerely showed me that he cares. the you who remembers, forgives, cuddles, embraces, kisses and who constantly reminds me that he loves me. i miss that person. right now, all i feel is a mechanical interaction, a rehearsed methodology of Hi's, hello's, and how are yous. Gone are the concerned inquiry about how my day went or your day went. Gone are the days when i felt that you were there for me.

actually, it never had any difference when you got a job and when you lost your job - you remained that cold, emotionless person i am exchanging i love yous with hoping that the frequency and intensity of my words would awake the Galatea in you. i was wrong. you remained to be that cold beautiful marble. it gets worse, unfortunately, you feel more distant than ever.

i admit that there has been moments when i was tempted to find the attention i am looking for from other people, from another flame may be. i was wrong again. the more i interact with them the more that i miss the you i have fallen in love with, the you that has been lost in who you are right now.

i miss that sensitive man whose arms i miss tugging. i miss that expressive man who never failed to amaze me every single day.

i am still hoping that you'd come back. i just hope that when you do, i am still the same person here for you. i hope that i do not get immune to this coldness and become a statue myself. i hope that i do not take this current situation as the norm.