-sad sad day-
unlike before where i find myself falling in love with him more and more each day, lately i am finding myself in the opposite situation. sad that things has to turn this way. i never imagined that it would turn this way ever.

-painful realization strike 2-

too much for hopes for me. today, i finally gave up on on hoping that someday, one of these days, we'll take what we have to the next level. yes, i wanted us to be there so much. i just do not know if you are as intense as i am.

yesterday, you back to the brutally logical you. sometimes i just wish that you wont dwell on facts so much and try to give me some hope to cling on. but yesterday, you just killed that faint fire in me.

right now, i just accepted the fact that this is the farthest that we can go. and probably we are just waiting for the time that one of us will decide to let go.

sad because i have dreamt of spending the rest of my life with you. and now i know that i should also let go of that one beautiful thought... or may i should learn to let go of you.

-this is it-

i came to this conclusion last night, and it is a sad conclusion, the kind of answer that i'd like to forget for now - this is the farthest our relationship could go, there is no longer a next level for us.

i came to this understanding when i finally had the courage to admit to myself that he is evading all topics pertaining to a more serious relationship - like getting married and having our own family. i ahve been waiting for him to take the initiative to meet my family or have me introduced to his but after 5 years, none of this happened and there are no signs of this happening in any near or distant future.

i dont know what's gonna happen from here on. but one thing is sure - no more hopes for me. no more plans about future children or dream house/s. right now i am just letting myself drink the moment until such time that i am already too bloated to drink more.

this is a sad sad conclusion that i have come to realize after trying to understand the silence, the pattern and the unspoken.

-is freedom also relative?-

i have stumbled upon this photo while idly surfing the net and it triggered something in me and made me ask the question: is freedom relative? let me enlighten you by showing the picture in question:

 
Are you looking inside out or outside in?

source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/brotherkeeper/704405703/
 

i just thought, if you look at the picture from the barbedwire to the plant, you might say that the plan is enclosed by the wire and therefore not free. however, if you look at it from the plant to the wire, the plant is outside and therefore free. this is striking for me. why? with such analysis, we can see that there is a certain kind of relativity to freedom. and freedom, as in this example is relative to the observer.

if we try to apply the same analysis to a broader topic, as in nation's liberation, people's rights, community welfare, gender equality, much as i hate it, dualism is something that cannot be eradicated.

my analysis is cartesian as it may seem, but come to think of it, who defines oppression? is it the oppressor or the oppressed? who defines terrorism? is it the terrorized or the terrorists?

in our current state, as i come to ponder, definitions of oppression and or of freedom usually comes not from the first person rather from the third person. and most often than not, ethnocentric understanding or definition is made. we attempt to free the nation that we think is not free. we attempt to free the  gender that we think is not free.

come to think of it, have we actually asked these nations these sexes or genders if they feel inhibited or oppressed? are inside the barbed wire or are they outside?

and for you the observer, are you look in or out? i just cannot help but see the relativity.

-finding home-

earlier today i stumbled upon a collection of my online rants which i aptly titled online. i ready through it and it gave me a a certain kind of peace the kind of peace that i experience when i feel at home with something.

and its comforting to know that i can find solace in my work. i honestly did not put much faith with my writing until that moment. i always felt that they are second rate or are not good enough. but that moment, i just felt that i have a certain spark because i found comfort in those pieces - the same comfort when i read the works of my favorite writers.

its a good feeling - not in an egotistical way but more of a serene way. it is good to know that i can find home somewhere inside me all i need to do is to tap it, let the real me surface and the whole world rest in the background even for the briefest of moments.

-work freak-

i used to despise my huband *blush* for being a workaholic and even threw a tantrum when he opted to pick up his phone while having a quiet time with me. now, when i look at myself, i think i have also become the work freak that he used to be.

scenario 1:

one morning, i was usually my bouncy self and while preparing breakfast my brother told me i was speaking on my sleep. i asked him what i was saying and he said he did not understand it but i was calling my agents. he said that i was asking them to do something or was following up on something. i just told him i work even on my sleep.

i thought that such scenes happen only when you are starting out with something. i remembered when i was starting our with this job. i also talked on my sleep. i was troubleshooting on my sleep and even asked my brother if he was able to cancel the domain ( i used to work for the billing department of a web hosting account).

scenario 2:

right now, i am here sitting in front of the pc and writing this blog 3 hours and a quarter before my intended shift. i just cannot sleep and decided to go to work. well, since i worked the graveyard shifts again, i begun to sleep in the office's sleeping quarters to save on taxi fare. well, right now due to heavy rains a lot of people are utilizing the said area and as expected it is fully occupied.

after doing my ritual - punching in for the day, approving overtimes and running through my email - identifying which is important and which is junk. there are no scorecards in the mail so i have no idea yet how my team's day eneded yesterday. it also means no analysis yest for me.

i remembered one time, i was too bored i came to the office one rest day to do some monitorings. that was my day off. i did not do it ever again. i have realized that in this center people do not appreciate your extra effort - they abuse it.

so here i am right now, dutifully blogging instead of trying to get busy with actual work. working is fun but in a capitalist setting, that fun is sucked out. it is sadly turned into abuse. and for a workaholic like me it just spells w-o-r-k and not l-i-v-i-ng.

-the cordi that i know-

an amazing view on the way to asin

from the time that i have set foot to the mountainous perimeter of the cordillera i just know that i am going to love it - the environment, the people, the culture - everything about it is very fascinating. the fusion of the people and the environment is just amazing. i have never seen a place that is forward looking and yet very concerned with its indigenous practices and culture.

everytime i hear people speak their native tongue, i just cannot help but be amazed by its tenderness. it is like a serenade sung to a maiden.

the diversity of the place in terms of terrain and flora is also admirable. the people too are very diverse. i guess the diversity of the people makes each one tolerant of cultural idiosyncrasies - accept other culture while nurturing one's own.

cordi has been my second home. and if i were to choose to which uterus will i come from, i wont have a second thought in choosing cordi.