this is one blog i hate to write. why? it'll expose myself down to my bones. it will reveal the real me, the me i have kept away for so long. i have been running away from this ego for quite a time now. at times it haunts my soundest sleep like a nightmare, and all i could do is cry. cry for the truth that rushes in lies, cry for the pain of the that reality has for me.
it has been more than a year. i had my own share of bliss and freedom, of liberation and cloud nine. but everything were as quick as our introduction. everything was zoomed leaving me a spinning head and a turning stomach (part from the kilig, other part from anticipation). i have feared speed since then. everything between us happened in full speed as if we were trapped in a warped zone.
how did all began?
well, there was your question, catchy one for a swarm of incoherent private messages i received in that bustling chatroom - are you sure you're 999? it broke the ice, and after that, everything else melted in suit. for two months you have just been a fiction of words wherein your laughs sounded like hahaha or lol/z, :) or :D. in the interlude of words and icons i have formed a picture of a witty, sensitive man; in touched with artistry and with reality.
so there came the meeting. it wasn't much of a exaggeration to say that he stood out from the throng of busy people inside a bookstore. the picture i formed was identical with the person i met. if the screen had melted me, the real person had swept senses out of my sanity. right there and then i have decided.
it has been four months of bliss and idealism. everything seemed to be working well, or so i thought... sometimes the absence of problems id more troublesome than a trouble-infested relationship. at least the latter opens door for communication.
the suceeding months shares a common denominator - detachment. until now i haven't fathomed a reason yet why this happened. it must have been me. it must have been him. i don't know.
the fire turned to ice immediately. our few meetings have been done for formality. we have to meet. we have to.
and now, i have to face my greatest fear - i have to break away from a relationship that has both been my fortress and my inspiration. i cannot anymore continue to live my life with somebody who is as good as a bunch of letters flashed on a screen - fictional, contingent. a contingency that was never given a chance to me reproduced.
i cannot run a relationship on my own. we have to do it both. i hate to break everything up because you have occupied a special part of my being and yet i do not want to find myself in a situation where even i cannot recognize myself.
i will not sour grape and say, it's not meant to be anyway. i have never regretted a thing i've done or have shared with you. but then there are some decisions one has to make no matter how painful, no matter how difficult.
i do not know if you were sincere when you said you love me. but i guess that is already out of the question. it does not matter if you love me or not - i love you. i have to do this. and all i could say is thank you.
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