slowly i am falling into a vacuum. sometimes, i just wish that the voidness will eat me and turn me into void as well. sometimes, i fight back. i don't want to be swallowed by emptiness. i believe i am not empty. i believe. i always believe.
taking the blasted freudian analysis, one could say that such an attitude is a resultant of an oral fixation - oral incorporative to be specific. but men, i cannot simply reduce this feeling, this attitude to such an outdated theory! but then, at times this is the best escape. at least there is something that i can grope on to, to anchor my my questions. but this nagging dilemma has plagued me for quite a time now. i have wanted to scream until my tonsils lose their hold to that whatever part of my anatomy. i have tried to bang my head on the wall if only to take this thoughts out of my system.
but then again, who am i trying to fool? i cannot forever run. i have to face my biggest fear. i have to confront my self.
it is going to be a bloody battle. that's for sure...

This is one letter that I hate to compose and to send. But no matter how appalling the act may be, it is something I ought to do – not for others but this time for myself.
This letter, I presume is of no surprise to you as for the events than have preceded it. I am not claiming immaculateness for I too have contributed to the course of the situation – something that I wish I was able to direct in order to favor the relationship.
But whether we accept the reality that ours was a relationship run by a series of fiction and was resting on a foundation of an illusion or not, is yet another question to be answered. And so no matter how difficult it is to accept that ours was a relationship founded on a shaky ground, I guess it is far more difficult to accept the reality that we hardly know each other no matter how much we deny it. Sadly, I do not know even the most trivial things about you, and you are to me. How then can we claim to understand each other when we do not really know who are we putting up with? Time has not been generous to us. He did not allow us to know each other deeper than what we superficially let then other person see.

this is one blog i hate to write. why? it'll expose myself down to my bones. it will reveal the real me, the me i have kept away for so long. i have been running away from this ego for quite a time now. at times it haunts my soundest sleep like a nightmare, and all i could do is cry. cry for the truth that rushes in lies, cry for the pain of the that reality has for me.

it has been more than a year. i had my own share of bliss and freedom, of liberation and cloud nine. but everything were as quick as our introduction. everything was zoomed leaving me a spinning head and a turning stomach (part from the kilig, other part from anticipation). i have feared speed since then. everything between us happened in full speed as if we were trapped in a warped zone.

how did all began?

well, there was your question, catchy one for a swarm of incoherent private messages i received in that bustling chatroom - are you sure you're 999? it broke the ice, and after that, everything else melted in suit. for two months you have just been a fiction of words wherein your laughs sounded like hahaha or lol/z, :) or :D. in the interlude of words and icons i have formed a picture of a witty, sensitive man; in touched with artistry and with reality.

so there came the meeting. it wasn't much of a exaggeration to say that he stood out from the throng of busy people inside a bookstore. the picture i formed was identical with the person i met. if the screen had melted me, the real person had swept senses out of my sanity. right there and then i have decided.

it has been four months of bliss and idealism. everything seemed to be working well, or so i thought... sometimes the absence of problems id more troublesome than a trouble-infested relationship. at least the latter opens door for communication.
the suceeding months shares a common denominator - detachment. until now i haven't fathomed a reason yet why this happened. it must have been me. it must have been him. i don't know.

the fire turned to ice immediately. our few meetings have been done for formality. we have to meet. we have to.

and now, i have to face my greatest fear - i have to break away from a relationship that has both been my fortress and my inspiration. i cannot anymore continue to live my life with somebody who is as good as a bunch of letters flashed on a screen - fictional, contingent. a contingency that was never given a chance to me reproduced.

i cannot run a relationship on my own. we have to do it both. i hate to break everything up because you have occupied a special part of my being and yet i do not want to find myself in a situation where even i cannot recognize myself.

i will not sour grape and say, it's not meant to be anyway. i have never regretted a thing i've done or have shared with you. but then there are some decisions one has to make no matter how painful, no matter how difficult.

i do not know if you were sincere when you said you love me. but i guess that is already out of the question. it does not matter if you love me or not - i love you. i have to do this. and all i could say is thank you.

Holynian ako, eh ano ngayon? Hindi ko minsan maintindihan kung bakit kailangang maging associated sa isang grupo para magkaron ng identidad. Ilang beses na rin akong tinanong kung affiliated ba ako sa anumang political group ng unibersidad. Iisa ang sagot: HINDI. Hindi ko kailangang maging kasapi ng kahit na anong grupo upang magkaroon ng sasabihin, upang maisip ang iisipin. Kaya kong gumawa ng posisyon sa labas ng anumang organisasyon. Kaya kong mag-isip kahit hindi na ipinaiisip sa akin ang dapat kong isipin.
Minsan, gaano man natin ito itago'y nililinlang tayo ng mga grupo. May ipinakikilalang ideyolohiya ta identidad sa atin ang mga ito - walang pinagkaiba sa mga ad ng mga produktong pinaghahalo ang mga makatawag pansing kulay, mga modelo, at samut sari pang mga pakulo upang tangkilikin. Subalit hindi grantiya ang ad sa kagandahan at kagalingan ng produkto sakali mang tangkilikin ito. Hindi garantiya na ang mga ideyolohiyang ibinabandera ang siya ngang isinabubuhay ng grupo.
May halong panlilinlang sa bawat galaw. Mataktika ang bawat kilos upang makahikayat ng mga kasapi.
Maaring pagkakataon lamang ang nagdala sa akin sa Holy. Isang pagkakataong hindi ko kayang itapon at itanggi. Subalit hindi ko naman maaaring ariin ang lahat ng kanyang isinusulong. taliwas sa grupo ang aking mga paniniwala. Ayaw ko sa utos, sa regulasyon. Ayaw ko sa mga instruksyong walang paliwanag. Nakabibingi ang dogma at nakabubulag ang liwanag.
Hindi ko kailangang pumaloob sa sistema dahil nagkataong kabilang ako dito. Sa katunayan, maari kong baguhin ang sistemang kinaayawan ko. Sabi nga, para sa ating mga nasa ibaba, walang ibang direksyong dapat tunguhin kundi pataas. Maaaring nagkataon lamang na napadpad ako sa paaralang iyon at gustuhin ko man o hindi'y may mga bagay naibigay sa akin ang walaong taong pagtigil doon. minahal ko na rin ang institusyon. Kaya kabilang sa mga adhika ko ang baguhin iyon gano man ako kahina at kaliit.
Konting panahon pa. Konting pag-iisip pa...