-storm-

when do you say it is all over or it is still time to hold on? when do you say it is time to move on or to continue holding on?

these are the questions that are afloat my mind right now. these are the questions that i ask. and until now i still have no answers. however, a part of me is still holding on and still believing that whatever this is, this is all just a phase, and this storm i have inside me would soon be calmed.

i have no other option but to hope for the better - whatever that may be. i am hoping that after this storm has settled i would soon find myself giving myself an affirmative nod for whatever decision i may take. i am hoping that when it is time for me to sum up all my realizations, i would and i could tell myself that i made the right decision.

but until then, i am left to fend for this storm, battle it until i come victorious.

i am no longer writing this out of sheer impulse or anger or anything ner that spectrum, i am not saying that i have dealt with so much elucidation either.
i am writing this simply beacuse i've had enough of this. by "this" i mean the current state i am in - this state of making sense of the non-sense or accepting what i feel as totally unacceptable.
it is hard when all fingers point down to you. ji am not claiming to be somebody pristine or somebody who is faultless. i admit my mistakes and hold myslef accountable for its consequences. however, i am also a person who has not failed to deliver or even exceed what was asked of me. i know where i stand and i feel not be fooled by the attempts to put me dwn or to attack me.
i know that i am expected to things are even beyond what i perceive to be part of what i am paid of. i do them without hesitation, with full acceptance and even end up brainwashing my own mind just make it appeal to my standards.
however, no matter how much i try to matter how much i make sense of this situation and make myself understand that it is all for the sake of being vissible and it got so much to do with performance, i'd like to think that meeting expectations goes above nad beyond visibility.
mamanging the performance of my uinit goes above and beyond merely being vissible. and admit it, not all pople who make themselves vissible to everyone does what they're supposed to do. why don't we measure people on the results that they have provided? why dont we take from what they've done and really understand how one affects performance?
sometimes, in our desperation to maintain the status quo, we arrive at solutions that may prove to be catchy but may not be addressing what we strive to target.
again, i am just thinking aloud. voiceless as i may seem in this very loud and punishing corporate/capitalistic sphere.

is love attached to a certain feeling or a state of mind? if it is, does that mean that if the feeling is gone of the state of mind is no longer there that love has also vanished?

i have been in this dilemma for quite a time now. the state of mind or the emotion that i used to associate with loving somebody - the feeling of serenity, state of contentment - is now amiss . i'd hate to think that i've fallen out of love already but i just cannot put a finger to my current state.

what is my state right now?

well, i am in a state of apathy (for lack of a better term). i just stopped caring and missing and looking forward for the day that we'd be together again. i just got too comfortable in my current state of isolation that i got too familiar with the loneliness. i no longer long to see those two familiar eyes that i've missed in my past.

i do not want to make any decision or any conclusions at this point. right now, i am just scared that i am beginning to like this world - a world without US.