-then and now-

sometimes I just cannot comprehend how fast time flies. if i were to start counting, it has been 10 years since i graduated from elementary, six years from my high school graduation, and a year from my college.

and everytime that i hear what became of my peers i just cannot help but to get amazed, and overwhelmed by the changes that happened in them and in me through time.

i have definitely changed. there is no point denying that - physically, emotionally and in my outlook towards life in general. well, i have always been optimistic as far back as i can remember just as i have always been goal-oriented and ambitious.

if it is possible to view myself then as a third person - as in a movie - i would not even recognize the person that i am watching. there has been too much that changed in me that it is possible that people whom i have not seen for quite a time will find so hard to adjust to.

i have always been outspoken but hardly sarcastic - now i am.
i have always been different but never subversive - now i am.
i have always been free-spirited but never liberal - now i am.
i have always been a child mut never matured - i think now i am.

-despite the distance-

i'm a state of outmost bliss. I have stated in a number of blogs that ours is not a normal relationship. it is just too complex and yet its complexity makes it special.

my mind is swimming in memories

when i hear other rants about their current relationship, i envious, pity, and thankful all at the same time. i feel envious because i dont have the chance to spend as much time with my partner. we have a long distance relationship and the only constant interaction that we have is by phone or the internet. we see each other at least twice in a year. and in each meeting we strive to make it as memorable as the last for the next meeting would be after a long time. we hardly quarrel and argue about anything. sometimes arguement cements a relationship.

i feel pity for them because they just dont feel the sadness i feel for not being able to be with my partner whenever i wanted to. sometimes the constants in our lives are neglected and when they are gone, that's when we see how meaningful they are to us. being able to hold the hand of your partner brings a certain serenity, a kind of peace that makes you feel that all the world's trouble does not exist. i just pity them for not realizing how lucky they are for having their partners around.

i feel thankful because despite the physical distance my partner and i has, we still manage to make each other feel special, loved and appreciated.

-pathetic-

it is dishearting to see that people show attention to failure other than performance.

i had the priviledge of working in a business where human power is definitely THE factor in making the business run. high technology's contribution is only minimal and management are merely overseers of the ranks. most of the work and the progress in this business is because of the hardworking and dedicated rank and file employee who unfortunately in my view are neglected.

coming in this unit, has been frightful due to the many stories that i hear about the organization - the poor management, the taxing work, high attrition, demanding clients - name it its there. being an amteure in a bunch of professionals, all i can do is observe and try to understand the existing culture. this is what i have observed so far:

culture of fear

due to the high demand on meeting the set performance metrices, most managers, i included, look more on the numbers and less on the behavior or the effort that an agent puts to action. it is disheartening to walk somebody out of the door because they have failed to meet the required number that they are supposed to generate. such situation has caused a culture of fear among agents. they come in to work not anticipating the new things that they will learn but they come in to work with fear burning their chests - fear that they might not have work anymore. people are driven to perform because of this fear.

and the management has made this expectation very clear - if you do not perform you are out. this is also the reason why a hundred people lost their jobs in a day - for failure to meet the targeted goal. the message has been clearly set - perform if you want to keep your job.

culture of neglect

after driving poeple to perform to their maximum, finally the unit has been top 5 spot globally. and sadly, there has no recognition made acknowledging the effort of these poor fellows who toil to bring the unit to where it is now. it is very unfortunate that people are being recognized (negatively) for non-performance and people are being ignored for their performance.

yes, this is a pathetic state. and sadly i am part of this pathetic unit.

-Choices-

Every day we strive to make our lives better - for altruistic or selfish reasons. We strive to achieve a certain kind of balance hoping that for what ever choices that we make it shall be for the better. However, life is not always in equilibrium. We hardly or even never strike a balance. Always, there are trade offs. We have to choose between or among options. And when we make our choice, we drop the other options. Options that could be better than what we have chosen or worse.
We often trust our reason for our options or sometimes we let our emotions lead our way when we make our choices. But most of the time we base our decision on what is right or wrong. And always we choose what is right. There is nothing bad about that. However, choices need not always to be good. And bad choices are not necessarily detrimental. Because in the end, what matters most is not about making the right choices but if the choices that we made made us happier and better individuals. Because in the end, when all of the other faces are gone, we only ourselves. Our decisions are not solely for the betterment of other but because we are happy that we made their lives better.
And so far as I look back I am glad for the choices that I have made. They might have made me lose some, but I definitely gained more from them. And yes, I am definitely happy.

-set yourself free-

Let me share with you a very strong and beautiful poem:

Walking Around
It so happens I am sick of being a
man.
And it happens that I walk into tailorshops and moviehouses
dried up, waterproof, like a swan made of felt
steering my way in a water of wombs and ashes.

The smell of barbershops makes me break into hoarsesobs.
The only thing I want is to lie still like stones or wool.
The only thing I want is to see no more stores, no gardens,no more goods,
no spectacles, no elevators.

It so happens that I am sick of my feet and my nails
and my hair and my shadow.
It so happens I am sick of being a man.

Still it would be marvelous
to terrify a law clerk with a cut lily,
or kill a nun with a blow on the ear.It would be great
to go through the streets with a green knife
letting out yells until I died of the cold.

I don't want to go on being a root in the dark,
insecure, stretched out, shivering with sleep,
going on down, into the moist guts of the earth,
taking in and thinking, eating every day.

I don't want so much misery.
I don't want to go on as a root and a tomb,
alone under the ground, a warehouse with corpses,
half frozen, dying of grief.

That's why Monday, when it sees me coming
with my convict face, blazes up like gasoline,
and it howls on its way like a wounded wheel,
and leaves tracks full of warm blood leading toward the
night.

And it pushes me into certain corners, into some moisthouses,
into hospitals where the bones fly out the window,
into shoeshops that smell like vinegar,
and certain streets hideous as cracks in the skin.

There are sulphur-colored birds, and hideous intestines
hanging over the doors of houses that I hate,
and there are false teeth forgotten in a coffeepot,
there are mirrors that ought to have wept from shame
and terror, there are umbrellas everywhere,
and venoms, and umbilicalcords.

I stroll along serenely, with my eyes, my shoes,
my rage, forgetting everything,
I walk by, going through office buildings
and orthopedicshops,and courtyards
with washing hanging from the line:underwear,
towels and shirts from which slowdirty tears are falling.
Translated by
Robert Bly
Pablo Neruda

Most of us, including myself are tied to certain definitions that society attaches to genders, roles, statuses and places. And most often than not, these definitions confine us into "pigeon holes" as my profesor in college once termed. More often than not these definitions and expectations from our society limits our freedom - freedom to express ourselves.
Breaking free would oftentimes entail a negative reaction from the society. Deviance is seen as someting very repulsive in this very punitive world. And it takes tons of courage to go against it - to follow what you think would give you happiness. This is of course can be seen as something which is very utilitarian or even hedonistic. But come to think of it, a lot of people have already suffered because this society restricts everything.
Freedom comes with a high price. I believe it is just a matter of conviction. It is a matter of having the guts to follow what you believe is right. Life is short, why not get the most satisfaction out of it?
Source: http://poemhunter.com/poem/walking-around/

- dilemma-

for most people moving up the ladder is one of the primary goals. it used to be mine. at this point i am just a step away from my goal when i first came here.

i guess most of the time when when what we want is beckoning us, we try to ignore it or pretend that it is just on the bay. in my case, i am just scared of the greater responsibility that moving upwards entails. it happened t o me in the past. i got a position that i am not yet ready for. consequence: my team suffered for my incompetence. it is a pathetic scenario to be into. much as i would like to hone a team of brilliant people, it's just too difficult because i needed as much molding myself. i do not want to be in that situation again. and right now, though my team is performing very well, i still feel that i am still a kitten in this business.

-worst part of my job-

sometimes it takes more than just luck and talent to succeed. one also needs patience.

in my short time as a supervisor, it never missed to piss me off when people just give up on themselves. they stopped pushing themselves to attain the goal that they wanted. they just came to me and told me: "coach, ayaw ko na". i really think that it is the most childish act ever - to just give up.

i am perfectly aware of the different circumstances that we all face outside the workplace. i am also aware that isolating professional life from one's private life is easier said than done. but the rest of the world will not stop moving just because we have decided to.

we all get burnt out and all come to a point of wanting to quit and to stop and just resign from everything. but where is the pleasure in life if we always resign? isn't it satisfying to overcome a hurdle that you initially thought too big to conquer? isn't that rewarding enough?

i am ranting because i feel so disappointed to a person whom i found to have so much potential for growth and development but has just decided to make that potential happen. what pisses me even more is the knowledge that no matter how much i rant on this matter, she has already given up.

-how it started-

i guess most things are born out of necessity. finding this job is more of a necessity than just a mere requirement - an expectation that one has to fulfill because the whole world expects a college educated person to have a job. i needed to have a job because i was to ashamed to let my parents pay for the year that i have to spend in college - a year outside my supposed to be 4-year course.

i entered an industry which for many people in my university found repulsive if not a total waste of time and talent. i entered the booming callcenter industry. at that time, all i know is i am going to a callcenter i have the faintest idea what this industry is all about. all i know is i'll be taking calls, what kind of calls, i do not know. so, there, i blindfoldedly landed on this job.

i started out as a billing representative for a webhosting account. it was easy for me. bragging aside, it was not as difficult as i thought it to be. i spent the happiest 6 months of my life as a billing representative. yup, i got my own share of heaven and hell back then (which can be another blog topic).

after six months of heaven, i entered what i thought to be hell. i was promoted to a level 1 manager. well, it is elating yes. being recognized that you can perform in a better field is a sweet sweet ego food. but life as coach(kots) is just a day of heaven and a lifetime of purgatory-like existence.

i handled a team of 12 agents - all of them new - all of us new! yes, i might be a good agent, but a good kots takes time to hone. and time is something that i did not have at that time. i was forced to learn the things that i should know in a very short time alongside being compared to more tenured managers. i made a number of mistakes as i complete my learning curve. but unlike an agent, whose mistake can be forgiven or can be given time for improvement, i was epected to commit as little as possible. and when the misfortune comes that i commit a mistake, unfortunately i blindly grope for solutions or answers to resolve my predicament. it was tough and i had to learn the very hard way.

i was given 2 weeks to pull up my team's metrics which at that time was at the bottom (imagine CSAT at 50% MTD). i was lost, confused, tired, scared, and angry all at the same time. but during times of adversity, we find help in unexpected places - in my case unexpected people. i met two beautiful people whom i humbly call my mentors - anne and tyn. they thought me the ropes of the business that i should have learned earlier. they thought me how it is to be a kots. it was 2 weeks of hell of wok, but deep inside me, it brought back heaven of my agent days. slowly i have found my bearing. in 2 weeks my team was number 1.

my team. they are the ones who makes me endure my daily battle with my boss biased perception of my performance and my capacity as a manager. they cheer me up. my team has been there through my thousan ups and downs. we have grown together. we grew together as a team. and until now, though we have been dispersed and have taken on separate paths, i still treasure them, thank them for making me who i am.

my life as a kots is happy though tough and tiring. its happy because i get to spend it daily with a bunch of coconuts like me. it doesnt feel a lot like work because my team makes it fun and memorable. i know there are areas that i fall short on and i know that they know that. but i am making each day as a learning experience to make myself a better support for them.

do i regret taking a job abhored by my university? definitely not. because if not for this industry i would not have met teams of brilliant, intelligent, funny, and very special bunch of people.

-June Bride-

Ito ang unang June na di ko inabala ang sarili ko na problemahin kung saan ako kukuha ng pang tuition o ang pasakitin ang ulo ko sa kahahanap ng prof na mag si-sign ng TP form ko o ng Form 5 ko. Ito rin syempre ang unang June na di ako nagpumilit gumising ng maaga para makaabot sa klase.

Nakakatawa pero nakakapanibago to an extent nakakamiss din yung mga June na yun ng buhay ko.

Parang dati sobrang windang ka pag June kasi vacation mode ka pa rin pero wala kang magawa kasi nakikipagtitigan ka nanaman sa mga numbers at sa santambak na readings na nakalatag sa harap mo.

Tuwing June sobrang parang sampung taon mong di nakita yung mga friends mo. Tatambay kayo sa lobby mag kwe-kwentuhan habang sinusunong ang mga baga nyo sa yosi. Tatawa kayo ng napalakas na parang kayo lang ang tao sa buong campus. Kapag napasarap ang upo nyo sa lobby tatamarin na kayong pumasok at ipabibigay nyo na lang ang classcard nyo sa kung sino mang nagsipag-sipagan kasi nga June sabay sibat at punta sa kung saan.

Sa June din pabida ang mga prof... nagpapa impress hoping na mababago ang masamang image nilang nakaukit na sa kokote mo. Magsisimula silang magpaulan ng sangkatutak na readings at problem sets. Susubukan din nilang manggulat sa syllabus nila na mukhang pinaghandaan pero recycled lang naman.

At syempre sa June din bumabaha ng mga freshie na naghahanap kung saan ba yung TBA. Malamang dahil upper class ka na sasabihin mo na yung TBA ay nandun sa pinakamalayong sulok ng University. Ang kawawang freshie naman , pupunta nga sa direction na tinuro mo.

Sa June nakakaasar pumunta ng lib kasi excited pa ang mga tao na magbasa ng libro kaya napakahaba ng pila lalo na sa reserve section. Mahirap ding magpaphotocopy kasi lahat halos ng mga nagpapanggap mag-aral ay nagpapaphotocopy ng mga readings na itatambak nila sa mga boarding house nila.

Pero ang pinakamasarap sa lahat ng June ay ang thought na magsisimula ka nanamang makapulot ng mga bagong aral na magiging sandata mo sa buhay...

-i am scared again-

i am scared again. i am scared for the things i cannot control. i am scared for the consequences of my cowardice. i am scared of so many things i cannot even name.

this place is a factory of fear. sadly, i have allowed my self to be scared and be controlled. and now that i am on the red again, i can surely taste the bitter warning of being executed.

- 41 years -

today is he blew his candles, for the forty first time. forty one candles danced in from of him counting the calendars he has to flip. i wonder if my name was marked in one of those calendars - because his name is in mine.