-month end report-

i am ending my month with this:

"Although the power of true love is undeniable, a relationship offer commitment too. What is love without commitment from each other anyway? It's like principles without values. Everyone has them but they only mean as much as we are willing to stand for them. The same goes for our commitments to relationships and to the person we love."
-text message dated 09/30/2007 12:37:10AM-

this month has been a roller coaster ride for me. i was drenched with overwhelming downpour of emotion and circumstances which only made me realize one thing: i am lucky to have a man by my side who looks at me with love and offers a welcoming hug each time i stumble. not everyone is given a chance to be with somebody who allows you to grow and learn from the things you have done. i have learned one thing special this month: he loves me and nothing else matters.

new people will come and they will offer a fresh breathe of air. they may at some point awaken some areas of me that have long been left to slumber. but they are just that a breather - me to them, and them to me. they do not last long because they are not intend to.

my path will always bring me home. and home is an open arm welcoming me back to my Serenity.

I love you, Anthony.

-well now-

the question is: have i been working smarter? hmmn... i would like to be technical and ask, how do we say that i am or i am not working smarter? is it by producing the numbers required of me? or is it something else?

since the time that i have been in this account, my team has consistently generated the numbers so far. and to date, despite the team's performance, i still doubt if the said success can be attributed to me or some of it to my management skill. to date, i am 2 years 4 months on the company, and 1 year 11 months as a coach and yet i am still not confident with my skills as a manager. honestly, i have not passed any of the interviews i've had external (i have thoughts of moving out).

sometimes i feel that it is just a stroke of luck that i was able to produce the numbers that i need to give. but beyond that i do not feel that i have done much. none of the agents that i have handled was able to make it to the next level. i count this as a failure on my end to shape leaders.

yes, i feel so incompetent. i never had the confidence to say that i am good in what i do. i appear good because the people that i handle are good. there is not much value added on my end in this performance. yes, it is true that there are new agents who come to the team who has areas to be improved on and fortunately they have improved but i still do not feel that i have the faintest right to own that improvement.

have i been working smarter?

i'd like to think that i have. i'd like to think that meeting the expecations or even exceeding them is enough. but as a leader, i'd like to feel the ripples that i make in their lives. have they been a channged person because of me? have i made any significant change in their life? will they remember me as that manager who helped them to be where they are now? i'd like to see some life changing moments in them. i'd like to be remembered as somebody who has influenced them positively no matter how minute that influence may be.

am i working smarter?

i'd like to think that i am, but right now i just do't feel it.

-work smarter than harder-

yesterday's meeting's mantra was: WORK SMARTER THAN HARDER.
makes sense. scrape out re-work. devise a process that would address the root cause of the issue. think outside the box.

WARNING: bitching mode

it is easier said than done i guess because the people who are trying to instill this "imagination" to us are the same people who commits the same mistake over and over to address an issue. these are the same people who settles for band-aid solutions than for long-term solutions. it is really easier for somebody who holds the microphone to appear as if they are the most efficient and brilliant people in the world when they present ideas. words. ideas. they used to be so powerful when i was still studying. but now, they have been so abused that they've lost their magic. they're just words. just ideas.

i know that to realize these words, these ideas, i would need to act. i am still a firm believer of the power of a single person. i hate whining and whiners. i hate it when people whine about something they have not acted upon yet. but sometimes when you are flooded with so many things that are too abstract, you just feel like giving up.

work smarter than harder. easier said than done. but hey, knowing and realizing that indeed working smarter than harder really makes the work done.

-hyper-
all the sugar that i ingested is acting up right now. the sudden energy boost is obvious. i came in the office feeling very very drowsy due to lack of sleep. i have been working in a call center for 2 years now and yet i am still not used to sleeping in the morning. i can only sleep for 3 to 4 straight hows in the morning. if i force my self to sleep longer, it will just make me even more drowsy during my shift.

because of this, i have recently discovered coffee. yes, after working for 2 years in this industry, this is the only time that i have drank coffee regularly. before, the second cup of coffee would make me palpitate - even if i drink it one cup a day. now, when i wake up, i drink 2 cups of coffee at home (since i am using decaf), and another cup when i hit the office.

it just keeps me going like a battery to a toy car. but again, such synthetic energy boost lasts only for a while. when the sugar and the caffeine subside, i am back to the drowsy me.

its a good thing that i am able to finish all my tasks ahead of time so i have more time to sit on my station and write a blog about my hyperactivity.i think have finally adapted to this life (i hope). now, let me go back to my coffee :)

-happens-

it happens sometimes
(or probably most of the time)
that we fall in love with someone
at the wrong time.

and when that happens,
all you can do is brace yourself
and drink the moment,
enjoy it... for as long as it's there

because more often than not,
times like those,
pop like fragile bubbles

and when they're gone,
they're gone forever

trust me...
i am now in one of those moments

-tough-

as i have learned, my happiness comes with a very high price. and right now, i am just not sure if i am ready to take that risk.

i know that i am unfair and totally selfish to the point of hedonism. i am still in that limbo where i found myself in a few weeks back. it's tough for me to pull myself out of it like the way i have pulled myself out from similar situations in the past. right now i feel happy - i am in that state where nothing else matters but NOW. i know that i would have to pay a high price any time soon and i do not know if i can endure it. but right now i am drowning myself with this heady state for as long as it last, and if after this, they'd ask for my head, i have no other choice but to oblige, it is after all the path i have chosen to tread.

-greatest failure-

every time you walk an agent out of the door due to attrition, it is always your fault

i did not believe this before but now that i had to terminate somebody due to behavior, I have realized that indeed it is a failure on my end. I failed that agent. i failed to correct his/her behavior. i failed to give him/her direction.

it is tough because each agent creates a bond with me, a special connection. it is as if a tiny piece of you is reflected in them. and yes, when you let them go, that tiny piece has a tendency to be magnified, be it your failure or your success.

i just walked an agent out of the door. no matter how painful, it is part of the job that i accepted with the promotion. and as i silently cry, i blame myself for failing this agent - another agent that i have to walk out the door.

-rants-

i hate this phase. i hate showing emotion and affection. it makes me feel so vulnerable, so weak, so helpless, so powerless and worse it makes me feel as if i am under the control (manipulation) of somebody.

i hate it when i feel so helpless and confused.
i hate it when people make me feel worthless.
i hate it when i feel i am being played around.
i hate it when i look as if i am begging for attention.
i hate it when i miss you - it makes me feel so weak and dependent.
i hate it when i wake up in the morning and i think of you
because that would make me think of you the whole day
and expect that you do the same (which i am sure you don't).

i hate it when i begin to make tiny plans that include you
i hate it when i begin to imagine how life would be like with you
i hate it when all i can think of is you
i hate it because i feel so dependent to you
or at least to the idea of you.

i just hate it when i find myself in this rut -
trying to create the situation for a non-existent love

-hating me-

i am hating myself right now because i still continue fooling myself that i have flushed you out of my systen. i have not. i still miss you and still find myself saying your name. yes i have earsed everything that will remind me of you - but not your memories.

its so hard more especially when i know how quickly have you gotten over me and here i am struggling over to forget you. trying so hard not to think of you. doing my best to divert my attention somewhere else.

i hate it. i hate the fact that i started this as a game but i am the one being played around in the end. i hate it because you had it all figured out and i got entangled to all complications that i have created for myself.

-same rut-

here i am again, starting a stroy that i do not know how to end. but unlike most stories, this story creates its own chain of stories that i have no control of.

i am falling for a guy. seriously falling - it's the same situation i had when i first met my anthony, and all other guys i treasured. but unlike them, i amo not willing to give up my anthony. i love him and i have not changed my decision of spending my life with him.

at this point, nothing can change that decision.