Lately, my mind has been afloat, flying to some unknown destination. A blanket of fear is enveloping me. The future is too bleak and obscure to fathom. And its obscurity has been scary. I am counting months to my graduation day and the pressure of achievement is stabbing me. What if I fail? What if I end up to the pile of those unemployed or underemployed? Where will all my sacrifices lead me?
It is difficult especially when you recognize a great responsibility placed upon you (though unspoken, it shouts expectations). And I am afraid to fail those people who depend upon me - my parents who has sacrificed meals, and comfort for my education, my brothers who has given up enjoyment for my dream. My dream is their dream. We have been woven together to create one tapestry. I do not wish to be the loose thread that will ruin the whole fabric.
All has been decided upon now. Whatever becomes of me will be the weighed by those who have watched over me. Those eyes that do not own lips yet will soon have mouths and tongues that will both chastise me and praise me.
I do not dream of affluence. I do not aim for money. But I know that though this is the kind of life I wanted to lead - no pressures, no hang-ups - I would still have to satisfy other people's comfort zones.
What if life after college is suicide? For four years, I have been cradled by liberal ideas. Ideas that has freed me as an individual and made me look forward into achieving that silver horizon that as they have said is 300 years away from me. I may not live to the day of the fulfillment of this dream but thinking alone that future as not as bleak after all is enough to fuel me to work. But what if, once this university has given birth to me, opened me to the greater world, what if life out there is suicide? Can I still crawl back to her comforting uterus of liberal ideas?
August 5, 2004
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